Steps of Faith

I do not believe in coincidences.

So, when I was awakened early Saturday morning by the lightning and unable to go to sleep because worry over financial provision crept into my mind, I talked to God about it.

I remembered the experience Abraham had with provision as he walked up the mountain, fire in hand, to sacrifice his son as commanded.

This is my favorite story on provision.

“The fire and wood are here,” Isaac said, “but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?”

Abraham answered, “God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son.” And the two of them went on together.

Abraham trusted God's provision: Jehovah Jireh, BEFORE God provided.

And God Did.

So, in my middle of the night chat, I trusted God's provision. I claimed it. Yet, I also opened my heart to Him and shared my burden of worry. Then drifted back to sleep.

So, you see, I view it as no coincidence that within a few minutes I then dreamed about that very issue. In my dream my house was in complete chaos-both emotionally and physically. Clutter was everywhere, 'stuff' strewn about, company was over. And I was busy, busy, busy running here and there trying to straighten up and clean up and make pathways throughout the house. And, I stumbled upon an accordian folder. I opened it up, and there inside, I found money I had stashed away over the months to prepare for tax season. Money I presently did not need to pay my taxes. Several hundred dollars. All, sitting there, waiting for me.

God. Provided.

No one loaned me money that I would have to pay back. No person stepped in and saved the day with their provision. It was just 'there'.

Jehovah Jireh.

And as I stood there, mouth wide open, tears in my eyes, I looked up at the room full of people in my house and wanted so desperately to share what had just happened. And I wondered if they would 'get it'. I wondered if they would see it as God's provision or just lucky coincidence.

Then I was awakened by thunder.

I spent the entire day remembering that dream. Humbled at my worry which represents my lack of faith. And I was blessed with an open door to share my dream with my children and hopefully plants seeds of faith in their precious little hearts.

Late Saturday night, as I was winding down and preparing for sleep, I thought once again about my life and my goals, and God's provision. And He spoke to me:

There are reasons I am still fully dependent upon Him for my daily bread.

My faith is not 'there' yet. It is not where He needs it to be.

"In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." 1 Peter 1:6-7

I am not quite refined.

He knows that left up to my own devices, I would not use my resources completely for His glory - completely to His purpose. I am still a little too focused on what I think is important. And not quite ready to surrender it all to Him.

And until I am where He needs me to be - He will grant me simply one day at a time.

I look at all the resources I have the capability of wasting. This is not just about money.

The Great Love has been telling me for quite a while now that He wants my all.

All.

All.

So, until I am mature enough to be trusted to surrender my All to Him, I will trust Him with All of my needs.

Not a 'Fan'

I am not a 'fan' of:

Raisins

Cooked mushrooms

Personalized (vanity) License Plates

Tom Brady

Christian Fiction

I am not a 'fan' of:

Horror Movies

The word "Bored"

Dinner in front of the TV

Thank You Notes

Politics

I am not a 'fan' of:

Dr. Phil

Laziness

Excuses

Middle of the night thunderstorms

Jesus

That's right. Not a 'fan'.

I am not a 'fan' of of my Savior.

I am not an admirer or an enthusiastic devotee.

Of the Creator of the Universe. Of the Pursuer of my heart.

What I AM is...

Completely. Committed.

Devoted. Dedicated.

Bound.

Saturated.

Immersed.

Infinitely His.

That's not a 'fan'.

Living in a Glass House

I apologize for the delay.

I have no excuses. (I'll be blogging about that later).

Time and life and stress and work got in my way - I allowed them to get in my way - when in reality I desired greatly to wrap up my little journey in word form. My journey is far from complete. My trek into the world of complete transparency is far from over. Every day. Every experience. Every challenge. Every stumble. Every obstacle. All lead me closer and closer to one ever present, never failing, constant in life.

None of this is about me.

All of the masks. All of the illusions. All of the effort I put into trying to portray myself some particular way do nothing but perpetuate the idolatry of self and take everyone's focus off of the only ONE who matters.

Here is the truth.

The honest, in-my-own-face, eye-stinging, heart-pricking, knee-dropping truth.

I am nothing.

I have no talent.

I have no ability.

I have nothing to offer.

I bring nothing to the table.

I have no beauty, no skills, no words, no wisdom, no offering.

(Before you fuss at me, read on. I promise I will continue to do my reason.)

I am nothing.

When I can stop and truly realize why I am here. Just exactly what has been done for me. Then and only then can focus become real. Then and only then can I become real.

Because it matters not how I try to portray myself: as perfect, beautiful, wise, victim, victor, humble, servant, patient, etc. There is One who sees. And knows.

He knows what lies behind every closed door. Under every bed. Underneath the makeup.

And I am once again brought to my knees.

In heartfelt appreciation, devotion, gratitude and humility.

I have nothing to offer Him. There is nothing He cannot do without me. He does not need me.

He simply loves me.

He adores me.

He pursues me.

For no earthly reason.

Simply because it is Who. He. Is.

And now - the glass is clearer than clear.

I am me: broken, flawed, marred, filthy, desperate.

And redeemed.

And renewed.

NOT because of ANYTHING I have done - or can do - or could do.

Simply because of Who He is.

And the Gift of His Redemption.

Going Deeper

So far, I've covered issues on the surface - the ways I try to project an image I am not, or at least a better version of my true self. And I know that this is something that we all do. We can just accept that this is 'how it is' and just 'roll with it' ... or ...

We can go a bit deeper.

I'll go first.

I am prideful. Before you say, "Yes, we all are Nancy," I want to challenge you by challenging myself.

I told you a while ago a reason why I don't like Spring. Just as soon as I think I've conquered a challenge in my life, a weed, I discover it's returned. And it must be dealt with again.

My fiercest recurring weed is Pride. And I hate it.

I don't mean the kind of pride that won't ask for help when needed. I mean the kind of pride that avoids correction; that needs to be right; that wants to be the one providing the answers rather than seeking them.

I enjoy presenting a thought or idea that others find wise and challenging. I feel gratified when I challenge someone with an original concept and perspective.

And I am jealous when someone else thinks of it or shares it first.

I want to be the one with the original, thought-provoking words of wisdom.

"I can't have others thinking I am still learning!"

"I need to have all the answers already so that others will think highly of me!"

These past few days I've finally stopped to listen to the Voice who has been telling me for quite some time now that I am still learning...still growing...and that in those times when I surrender my pride to the greater Wisdom of my Great Love are the times when I learn deeper levels of wisdom and understanding and fall more deeply in love with Him.

Why would I want to fight that?

Because of me. Because of pride. Because of my selfish, vain ambition.

In the end, I'm fighting against the very thing that draws me closer to exactly where I long to be...

In His Arms.

Apples to Oranges: Transparency Part 3

In my quest for the Illusion of Perfection, as I artfully apply my lipstick and stash away any imperfections in my life, I meander down the road of...

Comparison

As hard as I work to deceive those around me into thinking that I do indeed have my act together, I grow increasingly annoyed with others who seem to have their act MORE together than I do. It annoys me because it makes me appear, once again, less than.

So, I casually surround myself with others who have their act together LESS than I do and, voilà, once again I come out on top.

As if graded on a curve, I find it easy to look around me and see others who are:

Superfically:

more wrinkled

saggier

heavier

plainer

messier

lazier

grumpier

less organized

Less. Together.

And...I feel better.

I can even then compete with the 'better' group because I can knit-pick their imperfections and see their facades. I can call them 'fake' and 'phony' and swell with inner pride.

But, at the end of the day, I know the truth. I know that behind closed doors may be another story. And I can get up tomorrow making the choice to either do it all over again, or take a different outlook.

What is it about comparing that makes us feel better - or worse - about ourselves? And why do we do it? What is its purpose?

Just like everything else so far, comparisons serve to deflect the reality. To further perpetuate our illusions and masks so that we feel no need to be real. True. Transparent.

We'll use anything and everything we can find to keep from having to simply be real...

The real question is...what are we so afraid of?

David Copperfield: Transparency Part 2

I am great at illusions.

Yesterday I told you how talented I am at the illusion of beauty.

Watch closely and I will share more secrets with you.

For instance: my house.

I am a master of the Illusion of Clean.

Be careful with opening a door, or cabinet, or looking under a couch or a bed.

Precious few have dared to muster up that courage...and lived.

OK, so I'm a bit dramatic. But, the pitiful reality is that I am a 'stasher'.

Under beds, behind closed doors, under tablecloths is my 'stuff'. Stuff I've not yet made the time to address, or put away, or file, or toss. I get too busy, I tell myself, and someone is coming over and heaven forbid they know I am messy! Confession: I am embarrassed at this. It truly is a sore spot for me. I would be mortified for someone to go through my house and see all the areas of disarray hidden away in recesses. So - stash. Away. Don't I look like "Suzie Homemaker"?

You know what I'm talkin' about.

Illusions:

Of clean

Of neat

Of order

Of organization

Boy, oh boy, what an act. What a big. fat. fake. I am.

But, my master skills as an illusionist are not utilized solely on my earthly dwelling.

I am great at appearing to 'have it all together' wherever I am:

Work

Church - especially at church

Running errands around town

Chatting with friends

Appearing neat, orderly, composed and 'together' is an art I've spent my entire life mastering. And what's even better, I'm passing that on to my children. Aren't you proud?

Yes, please read into this my sarcasm.

Truth is we don't want others to think ill of us. We don't want others to think we are 'less than' anything. Less than organized. Less than composed. Less than perfect.

Truth: We are none of those things

Just as in my house, be very afraid of opening a closet door, I have stashed things away in other areas. I stash away my bad attitude. I stash away my temper. I hide my children's bickerings, I stifle my individuality. I chastise my children for misbehaving because the harsh reality is that I am embarrassed at their behavior more than I am trying to mold and shape them for their future. I holler within the walls of my own house and then smile graciously as I greet brothers and sisters at church. I am patient with others' shortcomings and my words and actions are filled with grace just to turn around and subject my own family to my truly short fuse.

Am I saying not to hide these negative aspects within ourselves but to just go ahead and lose your temper, throwing things and saying choice words, all out in public because it's better to be 'genuine'? No. Stay with me here. This is a several day journey.

Just think about it.

What am I hiding? What am I keeping hidden simply for the purpose of others thinking I am 'all together'?

Am I spending money I don't have so that my house, my clothes, my car, my children, all meet some set of standards that I have bought?

Am I killing myself and placing unrealistic expectations on my family so that others will not think that we argue, disagree, or have frustrating days sometimes?

Am I using valuable energy hiding my messes so that others won't know that I am too tired, too grumpy, too busy or too lazy to do what needs to be done?

The honest facts are that I am a messy, disorganized, often lazy, imperfect woman a little too attached to her stuff and her image.

This 'going deeper' - this 'peeling away of the onion' isn't quite so bad yet...

But, transparency is a journey. It is a process...

My prayer is that my own confession and revealing time will challenge you.

And we've quite possibly, only just begun...

Taking Off the Masks: Part 1

Let's take some time to just get real. OK?

We all know we put on masks. We put our best faces forward. We make the best impressions.

But, sometimes walking through the fire which strips you of everything you have, including your pride, can be the best thing that happens to you. I know this from experience.

A new year brings opportunities for goals, growth and focus. Quite honestly, this has been percolating in my head for a couple of months now...

So, as I do a lot of talking and encouraging, I want to take the first steps at getting real.

One step at a time, as in peeling an onion, I'm going to begin the process of stripping away some masks of my own. My prayer is that all of us will be challenged to go a bit deeper - a bit more real - with ourselves AND with others.

Today I will begin with the Superficial.

(And there is a method to my madness - a purpose in this journey)

1. I am addicted to my makeup. Dark circles and splotchy skin have made my concealer my best friend.

2. I've learned the art of lighting and pose when it comes to taking pictures. And I am the first to admit when I don't like a certain picture of me (so you'd better not post it to Facebook!) With crooked teeth, wrinkles and sagging skin, the perfect stance and lighting can take me from lovely to horrendous within seconds.

3. I don't have good hair. My friends say I do, but the reality is that it is limp, flat and dull without a certain array of products. I hate to blow dry my hair but it is necessary to achieve the look of fullness and body.

4. My nails are atrocious when not painted. I don't have naturally pretty fingernails.

5. I have finger toes.

6. I have large ears for a girl.

7. One finger on my right hand is crooked and for some asinine reason I am self-conscious about that.

8. I wish my skin were darker.

9. I wish I were thinner.

10. I wish I had naturally beautiful hair and skin.

11. I wish I were a natural beauty.

I'm not sharing this to compel you to compliment me. Just the opposite actually. (Because the above is all true. If I posted a pic of me au naturale: no makeup nor hair fixed, it would freeze your computer). This is not about validation. It's about getting real...

I actually desire us all to go a bit deeper in our walks. More real. More true.

Beginning here, I am going to proceed to go deeper and deeper over the next few days; getting more and more transparent and reveal why I believe it to be so very important in our journeys.

And I know God will use this to draw me - and you - deeply closer to Him.