Part Two

So this morning I was meditating on the knowledge that God is up to something in me this week already. My thoughts percolate. I have gotten now to where I can tell that God is moving all around me about to enlighten me in a way that I need, even if I do not realize it just yet.

Two weeks ago I could tell it. So many prayers uttered from my lips were seemingly unrelated in substance. Within days, the clear connections began to reveal themselves and I could witness the Great Love in action.

This morning: Percolations. Not fear. Not worry. More like concerns and frustrations within myself for not 'getting it.' I get VERY frustrated and impatient with myself when there are things that I KNOW I should know but yet don't.

So, I have to share. Being reminded of my own words from last night's post: trusting what God is doing in the lives of those around you, I was convicted by the Spirit. I assumed what God had been laying on my heart was for the edification of others. Today, He opened my eyes that it was just as much for myself.

You see, it is not that I have not been trusting what God is doing in the lives of others. I had actually fallen short of trusting that He is indeed still moving in my own as well.

I just needed to share. I truly get blown away each and every time God speaks to me. It is the biggest thing that tells me I am the favorite. That through my shortcomings, my sin, my fear and worry, He still loves me enough to speak to me. To convict me. To move in my heart. That whispers to me, "I love you. Enough. I love you enough to continue to reach out to you and challenge you to grow in spite of yourself."

Do you remember what God said to Moses from the bush when Moses asked, "Who shall I say sent me?"

God replied, "I AM sent you."

Today He told me: "I AM. ENOUGH."

Great Expectations: Theme for 2011

I am not asking you to trust me. In fact, there are many reasons why you shouldn't. I can be selfish. Often. Greatly and completely focused on myself and what I want or think I need. I can be forgetful or thoughtless; characteristics you don't need in a friend who you are really counting on. I can be impatient and lose my temper at the most ridiculous moments or issues.

So, why do I share these things and what God is doing in my life if you shouldn't trust me?

Do you know what your gifts are; how God uses you best? What are you passionate about? I, for one, am passionate about you. I have spent a lot of time lately meditating on the ideal of how God desires to use us all to His glory and purpose. I do not have the spiritual gift of prophecy (which my basic understanding is to lead and instruct in the Word of God, including mysteries difficult to comprehend). That is not because I am not smart or do not study the Word of God. It is simply not my spiritual gift. My predominant one is Encouragement. It is what comes naturally to me and one in which I grow closer to my Great Love the more I follow His leading in that area.

My passion is that everyone I know may come not only to hear that they indeed ARE God's favorite, but that they come to truly believe it as I do. There are lost and broken people in the world...all around us. At the grocery. At work. They teach our children. They pass by us at the mall. They pull out in front of us in traffic. Oh, that we could all learn to look into the eyes of the crowning glory of God's creation and see them as He does. With tenderness, compassion, desperate love. And Grace.

And those of us who claim His name - WE are the ones He has chosen to show His love to those who have not yet made that choice. Am I doing that? You see, I know and remember well what it feels like to be at the bottom. I vividly, though reluctantly, recall those moments when I realized how easy it could be to make the choice not to go down this path with my Father. And I more fondly remember those precious moments that He picked me up and held me like a child; wiped my tears along with His own; whispered His love into my heart and breathed new life into my weary, broken soul. I do. I really do.

So I am truly passionate about wanting others to see. To know. To feel. To taste. To grasp. To hold on for dear life to that knowledge that God loves. He does.

So, I follow this with two thoughts:

1 - What happens when I fall short? When I act ugly; lose my temper; forget you; focus on me? Does that negate the Love of our Creator?

2 - Does this in any way make less of the gifts of others that may not be the same as what God has laid on my heart?

Don't trust me. Don't put your faith in me.

Don't trust yourself. Don't put your faith in you.

Don't trust others. Don't put your faith in them.

One. Only One deserves our trust; our Faith; our Confidence; our Focus.

That being said, do we trust what God is doing in the lives of others? I ask this question because I am passionate about my gift. I am passionate about encouraging others as much as I can; not with empty words and flattery. But with the word of God and His love and compassion that I can only share with others because of His OUTPOURING of it into my life. It is easy for me, then, to look at my friend whose gift may be to prophecy - to instruct and lead in the word - with either disapproval or envy. How many times do we say to ourselves, "I wish I were as eloquent at speaking as ... I wish I could teach with the wisdom that ... I wish I had the time to serve like ... " ? We are not to judge - or compare - spiritual gifts. God created them to use all together for one purpose only - to point others to Him. So, if I become proud of myself and the gift God has given me - or if I become envious because my desire is for the gift of another - once AGAIN my focus is on me.

So, whether the thorn in my side is pride - or envy - my trust simply must lie in God and God alone. Do I trust what He is doing in the life of another? Do I trust His grand design and plan and the way He uses individuals in it? Do I trust that what He has led me to do is what He needs me to do? Do I trust that the words or passion of another is His plan for them? Do I trust HIM?

I am broken. And flawed. Weary, shattered and torn. But God still chooses to move in me. Why? You know the answer.

Don't trust me - trust Him. Trust that He is still working and moving and working. In YOU. In ME. In the lives of those around you.

I have Great Expectations - not of myself and not of you. But of my Great Love and all that He will proceed to do in this coming year.

What Time is It? (No, Not Adventure Time)

Some things I am not.

Wise.

Holy. (Speaking of, neither are mackerel, crap, or cows).

Of the mindset that I have it all together.

Organized.

Eloquent.

However, I AM:

Saved by Grace.

Aware of the fact that every morning, I wake to a clean slate. (Lamentations 3:22).

VERY flawed.

Impatient.

Expressive.

Unabashedly, fervently, passionately, desperately, shamelessly pursued by a relentless God.

This week's journey with God has been all about trust and timing. One of the ways I feel the most loved by Him is when He speaks to me. When He lays things on my heart in prayer; when He says exactly what I have needed to hear - speaking to me through a God-seeking friend; when He confirms to me through the journeys of others that He is moving and drawing His followers together. Several things have been on my heart this week heavily. And as I talk with Him, I have realized this week just how much these seemingly unrelated issues really are tied together around this one central purpose - Trusting God and His Timing. One friend is desperately desiring to pursue a ministry - timing. One friend is ready to chase after new dreams - timing. One friend seeks wisdom as she struggles to let go of the past while embracing new relationships- timing. One friend seeks physical healing - timing.

I was made aware of something this week through this scripture:

"Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you, The days of my life all prepared before I'd even lived one day. " Ps 139:16

God knows exactly how many days I will live - He knows my life, from conception to end. And God has a purpose for that life. He has timing.

I have so much I want to accomplish while I am here. I have plans and dreams - some for noble purpose and some not. Let's face it, a redecorated bedroom is kinda nice once in a while. However, how often to I go to God with a deeper desire for HIM instead of a deeper desire for my wishes to be fulfilled? Notice how I started this post? With me.

Guess what - my life is not about me. And yes, I am selfish and rude and impatient. Why? Because since the moment I was born, I have fought that central truth that my life really and truly has nothing in the world to do with me. It has one purpose and one purpose only - to point others to the Cross.

So, the question I am left with is this: Do I do that? Did I do that today: at Walmart; in the pick-up line at school; while getting my children ready to leave the house; at my job; while driving...Did. I. Point. To the Cross.

I am not going to apologize if I step on toes. Because, you see, I NEED my toes stepped on. I hate it - but I love it. Because when that happens I know God is telling me some things I need to hear.

I am not confrontational. I am not mean-spirited. And I hate having someone mad at me or thinking I am mad at them. But, sometimes things need to be said. For instance, I have a word to the married but I will save that for another day. So, please know that if and when I step on toes, it is NOT because I think I have all the answers and CERTAINLY NOT because I always do the right thing. By no means...

Just trust God's timing. If you have given something to Him, then let it go. And trust that HE DOES HAVE IT.

One night, in the fall of 2009, I cried out to God. I was lying in my bed, stressed out and exhausted and fighting harder than I ever imagined I could for my marriage. I was crying, praying, journaling, reading a Joyce Meyer book and my Bible - all at the same time. And I cried out to God, "What do you want me to do? I don't know what to do!!" *insert sobbing here*

And I heard that still small voice say to me: Really? What do I want you to do? Sleep, Nancy. Sleep. I've got this - I do not sleep. Put the books down, roll over, and let me take this.

And in my amazement, the tears stopped. I realized that I was getting over illness and was worn out, and God really does not sleep. He really did just want me to let it go. And I rolled over and slept.

God really does have it. Give it - whatever IT is - to Him. And stop trying to wrestle it back out of His Mighty, Mighty Hand.

The Point at Which I Explain Exactly Why I. Am. The. Favorite.

Imagine it. Sunlight pouring down on your face. Children playing quietly (and nicely) nearby. You are enjoying your latest favorite book as your spouse brings you a lovely beverage. Bills are paid. Housework is done. Everything in the house runs as it should. All is well in your little corner of the world. That's what makes you the 'favorite'. Right?

Wrong. Very very wrong.

Some people ask questions like, "Why does God allow such trials to happen?" Or make statements like, "Where is God? I thought He loved me?" As if 'If God truly loves us, why does He allow us to suffer?" I will tell you here and now, that it is BECAUSE HE DOES LOVE YOU that He allows it. It has never been enough for me to hear, "Well, we live in a fallen world." True, but these same people who say that also say that God is the ALMIGHTY. So, the former statement leaves me empty. Lost. Wondering.

Again, I cannot and will not speak for anyone else. But I will tell you this, because I know that I know that I know - God allowed me to experience this for one reason and one reason alone - To. Draw. Me. Nearer. To. Him.

Really.

He loves me THAT much. He wanted me to experience Him in a new way. In a desperate way. In a "God, you're all I've got" kind of way. Why? Because that's how He feels about me. Desperate.

God knows me so well that He knew I would run to Him. God knows my heart so much that He knew what I had kept from Him. God knows my mind so much that He knew I would try to find all the "answers" but fail. God knows my body so well that He knew I would be beaten down to the point of collapse. Literally.

What I want desperately for you to understand is that God loved me enough to allow me to go through this fire BECAUSE He loves me. He wanted to bring me to that intimate place with Him. He wanted me with Him. Not only did He love me so much that He would rather have died than live without me. (And trust me - I am nothing. Surely nothing worth dying for). But He loved me enough to shatter the world beneath my feet as He waited right...there...to catch me. To envelope me.

I told you how I went to my porch and cried out to Him. He met me there. I found a new relationship with God that I did not know even existed. I never knew you could have a relationship with the Holy Spirit. Boy, was I ignorant.

So, do you see now how I am the favorite? Is it because everything goes my way? Nope. Nopey nope nope nope. Quite the opposite actually. It's because God loves me enough to challenge me, to change me, to break me. And not necessarily because I need to be disciplined. It's because He wants me closer to Him. Imagine! ME? Closer to the ALMIGHTY GOD? What in the world? Makes no sense!! Exactly. None at all. It is a crazy, crazy love.

And guess what. He. Loves. You. Like. That. Too. Yes, it's true.

Want the real secret? YOU are His Favorite TOO!

God DOES give us more than we can handle.

A dear friend pointed out to me quite a while ago that NO WHERE in the Bible does it state that God will not give us more than we can handle. Don't believe me? Go ahead, look it up. I'll wait...

I Corinthians 10:13 may be one of the most misquoted scriptures in the Bible, "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it."

This scripture is referring to temptation, not trial.

Actually, I do believe that God does, in fact, allow us to experience more trial at times than we can handle. And I do believe that He does it, in fact, on purpose. Because, you see, if we never had more than we could handle, guess who our lives become about...us. If I am never handed too much, then it becomes about how strong I am and how much I can overcome. And I have shared this notion with people, and some get offended while others are frustrated. But, I will tell you the truth here, this realization that came to me in 2009 provided, believe it or not, tremendous joy and peace to my life.

So, you ask, 'Why in the world would God - on purpose - allow more than I can handle?' Well, I can't answer for everyone, but I can say that in my life it was to teach me a dependence on Him that otherwise I never would have learned. You see I am a very independent, and VERY stubborn, individual. And I had spent the majority of my adult life, and yes, my marriage, making things about me that were not about me.

And God needed my life to be about HIM.

God did not tear down my life. God did not destroy my marriage. However, decisions were made and paths chosen, and God used it to His glory. In April of 2009, my life crumbled beneath my feet. Everything that I knew, or thought I knew, was proven false. Everything that I had built as a foundation to hold on to, shattered all around me. Humor me while I try to use a metaphor, but if you would imagine standing still while the earth crumbles and plummets beneath your feet and you are left with nothing - and I do mean nothing - to hold on to. That is how I felt at that time. While I had friends who loved me and were there for me and prayed faithfully throughout that time, there was no one who could step in and rescue me or fix things. I have been told by nearly every significant person in my life - at one time or another - that I was simply not worth it. That it is easier to walk away from me than to stick it out and work through challenges. And now I had been told that by the person I had built my life around for 16+ years.

I am no victim here. Please do not read that into my words. I was not the wife God called me to be. And as a result, Satan was given an open door. Strike that - he was given a gaping wide hole to weasel his way into my marriage. He lied and betrayed and manipulated. And thought he had found victory.

However, "We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28. God has a way of stealing satan's victories.

God used this experience to change me. I don't mean change my attitude or my perspective. I mean CHANGE. ME. I am not who I was two years ago. And in all good ways. God used this experience to, first of all, point out the tremendous selfishness in my own life and heart. He shined a light into the darkest recesses of my heart that I had not handed over to him And let me tell you, that is painful. You know how you feel when you wake on mornings when it is still dark outside and turn on the light? You know that pain in your eyes which need time to adjust? Yet, you have to turn the light on or you will stub your toes and pee in the floor. We NEED light to see. And although sometimes turning that light on is painful to say the least, we need it. I needed the Lord God to turn that light on to illuminate things within me that needed to change. Second, he used that experience to challenge me. To grow. To lean on Him. To seek Him more deeply.

I would go to my porch to pray in the mornings...actually all day long. And many of you have heard me talk about my porch. It is now a sacred, special place to me. Because, you see, God met me there. I ran to Him there, cried out to Him. And He met me. He wrapped His amazing arms around me. I felt Him. I heard Him. I knew Him.

But - here's my cliffhanger: I will wait till next time to share more about that place I found with God. I needed you to know the dark place I started from before I could share with you the tremendous gift of where God led me.

God IS the Great Love. Next time, I will share how I know this. And, I also have a secret for you. You just might be amazed. But you may never look at God the same after this.

I have to begin somewhere...

April 2009. The month my life changed. The month that began a journey I never imagined I would travel.

But...before I go down the path of sharing that journey, I want this first post to be my...hmm...Prologue I guess.

Because to be completely up front here, God began laying a foundation in my heart closer to three years ago. Sometime and somewhere along that time, God began to reveal to me a selfishness in my heart that did not know had rooted. Deeply. More deeply than I knew at the time. God called me to love. Sound simple? It's not. I had a hard time with that. Loving others always entailed a "what's in it for me" mentality. A give and take. God called me to love unselfishly. Ouch. Harder than it sounds. And He called me to do that with a specific friend who needed me at the time - who needed me to love asking and expecting nothing in return. And so I did - as best I could as the imperfect, selfish woman that I am. And through that friendship He began to change me. To challenge me. To prepare me...

So, before I share the journey of these last two years. How God has changed me to my core. How I have felt as if my very DNA has been altered, I want to make a disclaimer: Some of the things I have to say may be, let's just say, 'unsettling' to hear. Some of the things I want to share may be challenging, or difficult, or even altogether unbelievable. And so if you choose not to follow along, that is ok. You will not hurt my feelings.

But the real honest truth of the matter is that my life is simply One Giant Love Story. John Ortberg has said, "Your life is a story written by you and God." I would like to take that one step further and say that your life is one big LOVE story written by you and God.

I speak of God in real-life, in-the-moment terms. I refer to Him as the Great Love, the Love of my Life and Lover. And I want to share with you why. ALL of the why's. Because there are a lot. And He has laid it on my heart for a while now that it is time. Time to share my story. Time to be a Leader and lay down my life as a follower. Time to reveal to the world just exactly why I. Am. The. Favorite.