Phoenix

The end has come.

Today marks the end of 2011. And the end of the first year of my blogging.

Looking back, as we tend to do on this day, this year has seen much in my life.

Change. That's a certain.

A New 'Normal' - of which I am never certain.

Checkmarks made on lists:

Debts

Projects

Traumas.

Endings. All the time sad yet often needed in order to grow.

Beginnings. Filled with the wonderment of possibility and hope.

All in all it's been a good year. Every day that I am blessed with breath in my lungs and a voice to share Love is a good day, whether I embrace those opportunities or not.

About four years ago, I remember being in the heat of struggle with marriage and finances and worries. And I remember thinking, and (regrettably, sharing) that I believed that I was simply a speck in the wonder of creation; that I believed God loved mankind but not necessarily the individual that I am, and I was simply a small, insignificant part of His creation for which He had died.

I have now come to believe that He took that as a personal challenge. To pursue me with a vengeance so passionately, so desperately, so relentlessly that I would go from believing myself to be an insignificant speck to knowing in my soul that I am His favorite.

And I am. :)

And as a result, my goal has been to live my life sharing that Love. I fail more often than I succeed. But, the sad truth is that few on this earth experience the revelation of His Love the way that I have. And that, dear friends, is our whole purpose on this planet. To know Him. To know that Love.

And to embrace it. Revel in it. Prance around in exuberance of it.

That is my life's goal. To share that Love with all that I meet. To share my journey and oftentimes weird thinking so that I may point to Him.

He's taken me from the ashes, the tomb, and declared me Victorious and filled with Purpose.

If He can do that with me, flawed and frail and selfish as I am, He most certainly can - and will - do it with anyone.

Some years have passed and I have been filled with praise to see them go (2009 was that year for me). But 2011 is different. I had declared it, in January, to be "my year." And it has ended much differently than I had thought it would. Plans I made did not come to fruition. The road to my future now has taken a much different path than I had anticipated. Yet, the Fingerprints of my Great Love are written all over it. I am blessed. I am changed.

I am Victorious.

Christmas Eve Morn

I am not an Elf on the Shelf mom.

As a matter of fact, if I were, this would be an example of the result:

My home is not a "Hallmark Christmas Movie" kind of home during the holidays. And I am not one to try to portray that to the outside world while either killing myself to make it happen or being a monster mom to my children and a "Hallmark Mom" to the world.

The truth is that at the present moment, my kitchen looks like a tornado hit it. Off and on baking for several days intermixed with actually preparing meals for my children has turned it into a disaster area.

My bedroom is the dumping ground. Mounds of laundry that I have not made the time to fold because I have been working, shopping, baking, wrapping, all in preparation for the big day.

Finishing touches are not completed.

I'm pretty sure I could prepare our dinner from the crumbs presently on the living room floor.

My pantry shelves are filled with half-empty, turned over, knocked down items from the grabbing, pouring, measuring and then laziness on my part to put things back in an orderly fashion.

And I sit here, Christmas Eve morning, coffee in hand and think:

'Yep. That's about right.'

I am not a Hallmark Mom. I don't live a Christmas Movie life. Things are beyond picture perfect. And that's really ok.

At the end of the day - not just Christmas Day but every day - my family has been provided for, protected, nurtured, and loved.

I sit here in a house that at this time last year I knew I would lose but I haven't.

I have a new (to us) mini van.

I've managed not to kill the dog.

We have a new kitty in the family.

My children are healthy and happy.

They have precious friends.

They have a large, loving extended family.

I have wonderful friends, some new and some not,

and they all fill much needed and very different roles in my life.

I have plenty of food in my house and my belly.

(Did I say plenty? Correction: OVER abundance)

I am warm.

I am clothed.

I am loved.

No, it's not picture perfect. As I sit here wearing mismatched pajamas with a hole in the leg.

But, it's the life with which God has blessed me.

And He has blessed me amazingly.

At the present moment, I am receiving my morning kiss from the Great Love in the form of a painted sky to the south.

So, Merry Christmas.

And God bless you.

I'm a Junkie

I am a woman.

A mother.

A daughter.

A sister.

I am a teacher.

housekeeper.

accountant.

caregiver.

caretaker.

chef.

nurse.

handyman.

alarm clock.

and human napkin.

I am a second momma.

(and now a second grand-momma.)

the comic relief.

chief instigator of tongue-sticking-out wars.

a shoulder.

a hug.

an occasional chastisement.

a smile.

a tear.

I am a victim.

a villain.

And now a Victor.

I am a wounded,

walking,

talking,

stumbling,

fumbling,

sometimes grumbling

warrior

never quite out of the battle.

I am selfish,

whiny,

tired,

weary,

vain,

misguided,

unfocused,

lazy,

greedy,

and just plain stupid.

I am flawed and broken,

marred and scarred...

And undeniably Loved.

Standing on the auction block, beaten and bloody, I was sought, bought, fully paid for, and taken...

Then forgiven.

Then transformed.

Now...

I am sold out,

completely,

intensely,

possessed,

altered,

absorbed,

intrigued,

submerged,

unrestrainedly,

full-blown,

all-out

spellbound by the Love of my life.

I'm hooked.

addicted.

dependent.

high.

It's a high from which I never come down.

I'm a God's Love Junkie.