East to West

Life is quite the adventure.
I think I've said this before.
It is a series of ups and downs, smooth highways and rocky roads;
Stretches of mundane followed by curves balls around every corner.

Lately I've been limping.
Massaging my sore toes as I've been challenged
GREATLY
outside of my comfort zone.

I'm regularly being called out of my status quo.
And for the most part I am glad.  I am weary of the status quo.
I am ready to be bold.
Daring.
Living my faith
Out Loud
Without fear.

But this past week was a tough one.
I have many thoughts and much to say about Love.
But, God reminded me:  first things first.

And He brought me face to face, once again, with Forgiveness.

An innocent question from a friend brought a flood of emotion that, at first, seemed sudden.
Until I began to pray, and meditate, and chew on all that God has been teaching me lately.
It wasn't sudden.  It was actually right on time.

I have been hurt.  Greatly.
And not just by one.
By many.
And I struggle, more than I care to admit, to let it go.
Really.
I mean really forgive.
I say I do and I act all nice and I say, "Hi, how are you?" and "My, aren't your children precious?" but in my heart of hearts I begrudge.  And I, now and then, stir the embers of my bitter emotion.
For the loved ones who turned their backs on me.
The family who blamed me for the damage in my life.
The brother and sister who set the book of Hosea before me, encouraging me to turn a blind eye to how satan had encamped in my home with my children.
The brother who, after listening to excessive lies, painfully confronted me on my inability to be a submissive wife and honor my husband.
The brothers and sisters who were nowhere to be found when my life fell apart.
Those times I stood alone while others spent time together in laughter.
Those days I sat in my house with broken door locks and grass up past my knees while those who had experienced the same pain I was in never came around.
Many other events and issues along the way that have poured salt in my wounds.
All of these piled on top of the abandonment, lies, and lack of remorse that destroyed my family.

And this past week, all of it, all of the hurt and the anger, emotion boiling just below the surface, arose.  And I've come to accept that it may never entirely go away.  It's part of who I am, who God is molding me into being.  And this experience He will use to further His kingdom on this earth.

But, I am not finished here.
There was another step this past week.
One that, as heart-wrenching as these emotions I've already shared were, was far deeper in meaning.  Far greater in purpose.

After I was all cried out for the time being, exhausted and weary and feeling empty from my inability to let go, God took my step in forgiveness further.
I've had a few specific people on my mind and heart constantly.  Some, I've been very angry with, for a variety of reasons, some of which have nothing to do with me.  And, as often in the past, I have wanted to sit and stew in my frustration toward these folks.  It is easier to be angry.  It is easier to justify my anger and animosity than to actually do what God has been calling me to do.

He's calling me to do more than forgive.
He's calling me to love.

Ouch.

I know why.  And I will share more thought on that later.

But, the first step in my letting go: of my anger and hurt and ill feelings:
To realize a cold, hard truth:

I've had nothing painful done to me that is worse than the pain I have inflicted on my Savior.

Truth:
I let my husband and my family down. I've said it before.  It bears repeating.
I was a self-focused, excuse-making wife.
And I made several bone-headed decisions in the wake of my heartbreak over the death of my marriage that I will forever regret.  That affected those I love the most.  
I've disrespected others.  I've spoken out of both sides of my mouth as I preached grace to others and withheld it as well.

I've had no injury against me worse than the injuries I have inflicted on my Savior.
None of us have.

God tells me He will forgive me in the manner in which I forgive others who've hurt me.
I've hurt Him far greater than anyone has ever hurt me.
Yet, for some reason, I refuse to let go while God tells me the pain I have inflicted can be as far away from me as the east is from the west.  
And I arise to new compassions from His hand every morning.

It's time to forgive.
It's time to stop chewing on my pain.
And the only way I can do that is to see these people
Not as enemies;
Not as heartless, cold, villains.
But as children of my God.

So, this post was a confession:
I have inflicted more hurt than I have ever received.
I have withheld the grace I have so desperately craved.

And it is time.

To
Walk
Forward