A Sigh at the End of the Day

What a wonderful beginning to Spring Break. An "Adventure Trip" (so named because I don't tell the crazies where we are headed-just pile them in the car and drive) to Chattanooga complete with a two night stay in a hotel with an indoor pool, Aquarium visit to see the SEAHORSES on my birthday, and topped off with a trip to my mom's ('Mo' to the crazies). Not a bad mini-vaca to us.

But, now, laundry is done, bags are re-packed, and they are off for trip #2 - Florida with their dad.

My house is too quiet.

And I am reflecting on the thoughts that have been percolating for the last couple of weeks. Thoughts that I decided I was too busy and too tired to really address. But here, in the quiet of my house, with no sound but the snores of my Adrian nearby, the thoughts rise to the surface.

I am more clear-headed these last few days. And now that I have time, it is time to share. To 'confess.' To say feelings out loud in order to grow.

• I am not yet at forgiveness.
• I have fallen back into my excuse-life:

"I'm doing the best I can."

"Don't you see how hard I am working and how tired I am?"

"Children are resilient."

"I can't help it."

• I am suddenly very aware of how often I look to 'junk' when I am stressed.
• I have failed to remember, vividly and regularly, how far the Great Love has brought me; how much He has done for me; how He has changed me; and how many great plans He has in store for me still.
• Have I mentioned I am not yet at forgiveness?
• I question myself more and more (...and more...and more...and more...)
• I have yet to trust God with my children.
• Yet through this all, I am incredibly, remarkably, undeservedly blessed.

Making the conscious decision not to reach for junk food, junk tv, junk games, junk time-killers is not easy. But it is also making the conscious decision to lean in closer to where I've needed to be all the time. And when that happens, I have an easier time hearing Him remind me that He is all I need. And my life is truly in His hands.