Expecting

I am expecting.

No, I am not pregnant.

Maybe I should re-phrase that. I have expectations. I think of all of the things that I spend anticipating: Weekends with the Crazies, Christmas festivities, paying off a debt. These are things I look forward to with joy. But, I am not speaking here of anticipations. I am speaking of: Expectations.

Let me explain.

There are certain expectations of me that are completely justified.

• To put my children's needs first
• To provide for my family
• To be a good steward of what God has given me
• To abandon the sins of my past and the temptations of today
• To be honest and live with integrity

But, sometimes there are occasional expectations of me that I tend to see as rather unrealistic; unfair. And I dislike it. I cannot come running in the middle of the night. I cannot loan money every time I am asked. I cannot put others' needs ahead of my own family's. I cannot drop everything at a moment's notice to rescue a momentary crisis. I cannot be as flexible with my schedule as is desired. I cannot put others first ahead of my children. And sometimes these things are asked of me. And, that, dear ones, is when the feel-sorries make themselves at home. You know those thoughts: If only they could see how hard I work. Don't they know I'm a single mom with two jobs? They are never the ones to call me to see how I'm doing. Whine... whine... whine...

I detest the feel-sorries. I am worthless to my Creator when I am wallowing in this shallow, selfish, toxic wasteland.

But, this 'expectation' mentality is also a two-way street.

The last two days a fog has lifted around me and I am once again seeing a little more clearly in light of my often chaotic life. This morning I began to breathe, and meditate, and open my heart again to my Abba and I could see the irony in my twisted, bent-up thoughts. I am weary of others expecations of me. Yet, I have in turn placed unfair ones on others as well.

I said I will do my reason. And I think you should do yours. Yet I also think we should not expect others to do things that are not their reason.

We all have gifts, purposes, reasons set aside by God Himself. And those purposes are not all the same. So, why, in Heaven's name, am I expecting the Peters in my life to be Barnabuses?

I don't call the plumber when my roof is leaking. I don't call the phone company when the heat fails. In the same way, I need to stop being angry with the Peters in my life for not being a Barnabus when I need it.

My point is I am just as guilty. And I am sorry. Truly.

Sometimes I get distant because I allowed my feelings to be hurt. And the simple truth of the matter is that it is entirely my own doing. I have expected others to do things that are not their reason.

So, as I sit and desire the benefit of the doubt and a little extra grace and a little understanding from those around me, I am called to give the same.

A little benefit of the doubt.

A little extra grace.

A little more understanding....

And a little more realistic expectations.

This is me trying to be better at Little.