What If You Knew?

I love books.
I love stories.
And in my younger days, I would often read the last few pages of the book before I would get too engrossed in the story.
I just had to know the ending.

What if you knew how your story was going to end?

Would you do it differently?
How would your story look?

This is something I pondered in the early morning hours of yesterday.
As I struggled once again for peace, I began blaming myself once again as if all of my woes are within my control and therefore should have been avoided. Sometimes this is true.
But sometimes...

Life just happens.

It stops us in our tracks.
We get blindsided.
Our plans get pushed to the back burner.
We are faced with decisions, long term and present moment, that we never imagined we would.

And those of us who claim to be people of faith think we know what we would do,
Or at least what we hope we would do,
When faced with insurmountable odds.

Three and a half years ago my family came within 2 1/2 days of losing our house to foreclosure.  A month of phone calls, paperwork, prayers, tears, and heartache boiled down to an e-mail at 4:30 Friday evening cancelling the sale scheduled for 9am Monday morning.  At that time, that was one of the toughest challenges I had ever faced.  It was the longest, scariest, sickest month of my life.

That was a cakewalk compared to what I would face 6 months later.

But, my question to you is:  what if you knew the ending as the story begins?

What if I knew that my house would not be sold from the very beginning?
Would I have prayed, and trusted, and wept on my knees anyway?
There is no easy answer to this question.
On the one hand, no, because the peace I would have had going in would have told me there was no need to worry.
God has already told me not to worry.
About anything.
But, my peace would not have come from my leaning in on God.  It would have come from the knowledge of the ending.
On the other hand, had I known that I would lose my house, would I have prayed and sought God's hand as I did?  Knowing my requests would not be answered?
It's a difficult scenario.

Place yourself in this scene:
You've just been told you have cancer.

And you know how this is going to end.

I'd like to think I would be strong, courageous, filled with grace, a woman of Faith.
I would like to think I would inspire others and encourage them in their journeys.
But, I have no idea.   I've not walked that path.

I ponder such things as I hear of a woman who has walked the cancer road with the strength of a warrior and the Faith of our Savior.  And she has received the worst news.  There's nothing more the doctors can do.

And I asked myself: I wonder if she would have walked this path differently, knowing the ending to her story.

My guess is: probably not.

Would I have begged God's provision for my house knowing beforehand He would rescue?
Would I have fought tooth and nail for my marriage for a year knowing the end had already come?

Look at your challenges.
Look at your struggles.

Remember, we really do know the end of our story.
No, not our earthly story.
And that is the scary part.

God is not a genie in a bottle.
If we pray hard enough, trust Him enough, talk about Faith enough...
That does not lead to our wishes being granted.

But, our journeys to Him strengthen us, strengthen each other, prepare us for the True Life still to come.
And when that time comes, I want to be able to taste ALL that it has to offer with my Love.

We don't offer prayers as if they are wishes to be granted by sorcery.
We aren't given three wishes in life.

We are offered relationship.
And opportunities to know the Author of our story; the Author of our Life.

If given the chance, I would not skip to the end; read the last page of my book.
I want to savor every word along the way, feel the crisp pages between my fingers as I long to flip to the next one eager to see what comes next.

I will soak in each moment, each detail, each character and plot line.
And feel the joy  and satisfaction as my story comes to its earthly conclusion.

Because in that moment, I will know...

That was only the beginning...

Wandering

I am at a standstill.

Perhaps a turning point.

Possibly a crossroads.

As of yet I am still unsure.

You see,  I've been here before.

You know that Andy Griffith episode when Barney and Gomer get lost in the woods and thanks to Barney's expert pioneering skills, they pass the same tree over and over again?

That's me.

You remember how the Israelites wandered in the wilderness for 40 years when it should have taken them approximately 11 days to reach their destination?

That's me.

I've passed this same tree before.
I've wandered in this wilderness time and time again.

And, quite frankly, I am sick of it.

I am tired of looking at the same tree over and over again.
I am weary of staring up at this same mountain day in and day out thinking there is no hope for change.

Wednesday, as I stood, staring at this same tree,
Frustrated,
Annoyed,
Saying, in my head, how tired I am of this same stinkin' tree,
I was reminded that there must be a reason.

Either I am holding myself back.
Or I am to wait on the Lord.
Either way I have something to learn.

I want to be open to that lesson: Whatever it is I am to learn.
I want to hear His Voice.
I want to be ready.
And I am not quite sure I can be while standing here annoyed at my scenery.

My adversary wants me to lament.
To list all the ways I am frustrated
To place blame
To sit and live in my annoyance and worry

And I stand with the proverbial angel on one shoulder and devil on the other.
Caught in the middle of a battle of wills:
Trust?
Blame.
Gratitude?
Worry.
Present?
Future.

*sigh*

It's exhausting.

To say the least yesterday was long, and worry-filled (confessing my sin here).
And as I sat and wrote this, no answers came to surface.

Some days there are no answers.
There are no epiphanies.   
There are no great moments of clarity and peace.

As I sit on my porch with my manna and my Great Love, my mind turns to some that I love:
One who has been facing weeks of crippling pain with no answers.
One who just lost her father.
One who is dying.
One who is being nursemaid and Jesus to her children's cancer-fighting father.
One who cannot let go.
Ones grappling with health decisions for family.
Others, like me, going round and round the same tree.

Sometimes we feel lost in the woods.  We wander and wander, aimlessly lost yet helpless to do anything about it.

I've been lost in this wilderness for 8 years now.

But, today, I will not lament.
I will not wallow and blame or worry or fret.
Today I will make a list.
I Love Lists.

I will list all of the ways God has provided for me.
I will list all of the times He has come through for me by surprise.
I will cross off of my list all of the worries from my past that He lifted off of my shoulders.
I will be thankful for the ways He's never let me down before.
And I will declare Him to be Jehovah Jireh:

God the Provider
As Abraham did-
BEFORE God provided.

He IS Jehovah Jireh.

Claim the provision BEFORE it happens.

God is faithful.
He's never let me down before.

Keep Walking

Each day took courage.
Just to leave the house.
There was no hiding behind bolted doors.
There was no avoidance of the daylight.
There was work to be done.
Clothes to wash.
Dishes to rinse.
A family to feed.
No electricity.
No running water.
She had no choice in the matter.
At all.

For years...
Walking through town.
Whispers behind her.
Glares from passers-by.
She planned her journey to avoid as much as possible.
But there is no avoiding...
Everyone.

So much time has passed.
Won't they some day forget?
Won't they ever let it go?

Perhaps not.

Her past haunts her.
It torments her.
It runs in front of her day by day.
Tossed in her face.
Hurled as a weapon by those who don't understand.

Her past.
Just that.
Past.

Because one day,
Long ago,
Stood someone who knew her.
Who saw her.
Those eyes.
She will never forget how they peered into her very soul.
And revealed 
Truth.
Painful
Difficult
Truth.
Yet, she couldn't look away
From those eyes.
From that truth.
Because with those eyes came
Compassion.
Direction.
Forgiveness.
And Hope.

Don't they know?
Haven't they heard?
What He did?
What He said?
How that moment had changed her?
Forever?

It didn't matter if they knew or if they didn't.
Because in that moment,
In that encounter,
Her life was changed
In an instant.
(John 4)

One moment with those Eyes
That peer into your soul
Is all it takes
To Transform.

What is holding you back?
Who is using your past as a weapon against you?
Who is held captive by their past and therefore determined to chain you with them?

Remember your moment
With those Eyes
Filled with Compassion
And Truth.

Live in your Transformation.

And 
Walk
On

Fog

Defeated.

Before you get up out of bed in the wee hours of the morning.

Long before the alarm clock sounds come the creeping footsteps luring me to awaken.
The unwelcome companion sidles up next to me in bed.
Begins to whisper.
Wins the battle against my slumbering mind.

I am awakened.

Already defeated.

Fumbling through the wee morning I find my dearest of friends, liquid manna, and stumble my way to the outside, barely enough daylight to make out the trees.
I hear deer in the woods.
I hear the first of the birds with their morning greetings.
I take a deep inward sigh, sip that first taste of heaven.
And am interrupted by the needs of another.

Again.  Defeated.

My day ahead is long.
The tasks within it are difficult.
I am tired.
My mind needs focus.
My heart is weary.

And I. Feel. Defeated.

But I am not.
Defeated.

I have not conquered.
But the One who has is within me. 
(Romans 8)

And today, I boast in my weakness so that His strength can shine through.

Sometimes you blog when the fog lifts and you can share God's insights into your life.
Other times you blog beforehand and trust God's Love to shine out of of the mist.

That's me.
Today.

All I Want

Do you ever wonder what Heaven will be like?

As a child I always did.
I could not wrap my head around eternity.
Forever...
And ever....
And ever...

Definitely couldn't not fathom singing...
Forever...
And ever...

Because as a child, that's how I envisioned Heaven.
Everyone standing around singing old classic hymns for eternity.

As I aged I saw movies about Heaven (or the 'afterlife');
Others' interpretations of what eternity will be like.

I still pondered.
Satisfied with the conclusion that as long as I am on the 'Heaven-side of eternity' all will be ok.

And then.
Something changed.

My life changed.
Shattered.
Crumbled.
I fell.
Plummeted.
Crashing below.
And caught...
In the Arms of my Savior.

Something changes, in your mind and in your perspective, when your life crumbles beneath you.
For me, I fell in love.
Deeply.
Unimaginably.
Irrevocably.

And I was never the same.

A few months into this heart-changing event, I was talking to some friends about eternity.

In the past, I had always dreamed of what my mansion in Heaven would be like.
I had imagined streets of gold.
My focus was on what I would do.
What will it be like for me?

Now, my focus was different.
My desires were different.

I would be content to sit outside the gates of Heaven for a glimpse of my Creator.

Heaven, for me, will be but one thing and one thing alone:
Being with Him.
The Great Love.
My First Love.
The Captivator of my Heart.

I told my friends,
"I could not care less about my room in God's house.
I simply want Him all to myself."

One friend said, "That's very selfish of you."
(tongue-in-cheek)

And I said, proudly, "Yes it is."

But, the truth is:

Our God is so big, that I firmly believe we will ALL be able to feel that we have Him all to ourselves.

And that's truly all I want.

Him.

I Pledge Allegiance, Again

I am going to say up front that many things I am posting here are unpopular.
My apologies in advance.

Misguided Passions.

We all tend to get a little off track now and then.

I often get caught up in things that get me off of my true focus.  And often, if not most of the time, the things that distract me are good things.  Definitely not sin.
Or what I categorize as sin.

I've spent periods of time in my adult life consumed with church ministry, church work, service work, school activities, volunteering, and 'good deeds.'  They make me feel good.  Make me feel like I've contributed some element of good to the world around me.  And I am not in any way criticizing these things.  I've been in need from the Caring Cooks ministry at my church.  I've been in need from the unselfish souls who've donated time, manual labor, and funds to assist me in getting back on my feet post-divorce.  These are good things.  Needed things.  Wonderful things.

But, sometimes, distracting things.

I have spent periods of time consumed with the political landscape around me.  I know others who campaign for this candidate or that who best represents their personal values for the world around them.  We want our children to grow up in a world that most meets our ideals of what the world should look like.  And we get involved in the political dialogue around us because we believe in it.  We see the value in it.  We see the importance it has for the world in which our children will become adults.  We want the best for our children and our nation.  These are good things.  Needed things.

And, again, oftentimes, distracting things.

Here's what I mean:

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." ~Mt. 6:33-34

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."~James 1:27

I read nothing in these verses about service work or politics.

Please, hear me out.

To live in this world, we are called as Christians to make an impact on the world around us.  And to stand out.  Be non-conformists.

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." ~Rom 12:2

But - too often we get too caught up in the seemingly good things in the world around us, and we lose sight of what we are called to be and to do:

Be Jesus.
To a Lost and Dying World.

I'll try to make clearer some points I've alluded to several times before.
My personal opinion is that there is nothing wrong with political activism.
But - when we substitute that for our walk with and for the Savior, 
We are misguided.

That is a problem I see in our country right now.
We are more passionate about the Flag than we are about our Savior.
We are more passionate about votes than we are about Jehovah's will.
We are more passionate about gun laws, marriage rights, military funerals, women's rights, health care reform, and conservatism versus liberality than we are about

Lost. Souls.

When the Lord returns, He is not going to ask whether or not you voted for homosexual couples having the right to marry.  He is not going to ask you if you were Pro-Life or Pro-Choice.  He is not going to ask which end of the Health Care Debate you stood.

Really.  He's not.

We worship Old Glory with emotion and conviction 
And neglect the passion of the Cross.

We sing "God Bless the USA" with tears streaming down our faces yet sing "My Jesus I Love Thee" with stoicism. 

There's something wrong with this picture.
This is something that has plagued me for a couple of years now.
Our emotion and passion for our Nationalism has eclipsed our emotion for the Redeemer of our Souls.

Please, again, do not misunderstand.
I love this country.  
I thank God for the gift of its heritage and freedom in my life.

But, Patriotism does not equal Christianity.
And somehow, in our present culture, the two have become (in some minds, whether we realize it or not) interchangeable.  Satan has succeeded in getting our focus off of what God has truly called us to do by getting our hearts and minds attentive to something we deem as "good".
Remember: 

"Our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ." ~Phil. 3:20

So, in reference once again (and hopefully for the last time) to last week, let me clear up some possible misunderstandings:

I applaud individuals standing up for their beliefs.
I applaud individuals supporting those courageous people.
I am saddened at the notion that someone standing up for what they believe is being interpreted as hate.  

However, I do not applaud the idea, the mentality, that as a Christian, my supporting of another's political statement means that I have stood up for the cause of Christ.  Standing up for your political stance is not the same thing as saving souls.

Last week became a rant of us against them in the war of Christian politics in this country and I, for one, was sick to my stomach because of it.  And I found myself succumbing to the negativity it generated as I judged in my heart most of those on both sides.
For that, I humbly apologize.

Yes, sin is sin.
Don't believe me: read this commentary.  It was one of the most well-written statements about last week's chaos that I had read:

I am not eliminated from the list in I Corinthians 6:-9-11.

Sin is sin.  No doubt about it.  And I do not fall into the mindset of "Who am I to judge?"
But, I do fall in the line of thinking that says we need to stop calling out 'bigger' sins than others and declaring ourselves righteous because we supported a political stance.

Christians.  Believers.  Followers.
It's time to wake.up.

There is a lost and dying world all around us.
And we are not saving souls with our votes.
We cannot legislate morality.
We are not saving souls with our campaigns and Facebook wars and blogs.
(speaking to myself here, dear ones).

I do not have the answers.  I don't know how to change the  landscape of this world around us.  All I know is this:
We save souls through our Actions.

Our Actions of 
Being Jesus.

Paranormal Activity and Salt

Why do people love scary movies?
I personally don't.
Just ask anyone my reaction to the latest one I saw.
I did not enjoy it.
And I will not do it again.


I don't like being afraid.
Some people find it exciting.
I, however, do not.
Probably, partly, because I have spent too much of my life afraid.
Gripped in fear:


"What will others say?"
"What do others think?"
"What if something bad happens?"
"How will I pay the mortgage?"
"How can I balance my job with motherhood?"
"What if I mess up?"


Then it goes deeper.


Anxiety.
Slowly being rooted deep within my heart and taking over my mind.
Worry is simply fear that has become rooted.
This week, it has consumed my life waking me up every day between 3 and 4 am.
Anxiety over money, my children, relationships, the past.
You name it.


Toss into the mix of fear and his ugly cousin, anxiety:

Guilt

Regret

Anger

Bitterness

And you have the ingredients for a paralyzed life.

Sure, we say we are believers.

And we go to church.

We even pray.

And then we come home.

And we muddle through.

We've all heard:

"I am my own worst enemy."

I'm here to tell you it isn't true.


We have an enemy.
And it isn't us.


And all of these issues I've listed are from him.


He's whispered to me, at length, this week.
Words of fear.
Concerns fertilized into worry.
Lies. Which make me fear.  The unknown.  The future.


What's worse:
I've listened to him.


Remember:
The adversary sews his tapestry of lies for one purpose:
To separate us from God.


And if he can't separate us with sin, he'll choose another route.
And when we are gripped in
Fear
Anxiety
Guilt
Regret
Dread
Anger
Bitterness
Unforgiveness


Then he has successfully separated us from the enormous blessings God has in store for us.


God SO longs to bless you!  To bless me!!
And I am unable to run forward, grab those blessings, 
savor them and rest in them,
When I am too busy being distracted 
by the tools of the father of lies.


God revealed to me this week His great longing to bless me.  He has blessings just sitting and waiting for me to take hold.  But, I've been too busy gripped in my own anger, guilt, resentment, and fear.


In Genesis 19, as the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah loomed, God had Lot's family's salvation already planned.  It was laid out for them.  His blessing of life and protection.  All they had to do was to run forth and grab it.
"But, Lot's wife looked back..." (v. 26)
And she was unable to relish the joy of God's blessing.
Heartbreaking.


Stop looking back.
Stop worrying.
Stop listening to the lies of anxiety, guilt, regret, bitterness...


And run forward to grab hold of the enormous blessings God has in store.
Matthew 7 reminds us that God so longs to bless us.
He loves us.
He has our blessing waiting for us. Prepared.  Ready.
All we must do...


Is run to Him
And receive.