Wandering

I am at a standstill.

Perhaps a turning point.

Possibly a crossroads.

As of yet I am still unsure.

You see,  I've been here before.

You know that Andy Griffith episode when Barney and Gomer get lost in the woods and thanks to Barney's expert pioneering skills, they pass the same tree over and over again?

That's me.

You remember how the Israelites wandered in the wilderness for 40 years when it should have taken them approximately 11 days to reach their destination?

That's me.

I've passed this same tree before.
I've wandered in this wilderness time and time again.

And, quite frankly, I am sick of it.

I am tired of looking at the same tree over and over again.
I am weary of staring up at this same mountain day in and day out thinking there is no hope for change.

Wednesday, as I stood, staring at this same tree,
Frustrated,
Annoyed,
Saying, in my head, how tired I am of this same stinkin' tree,
I was reminded that there must be a reason.

Either I am holding myself back.
Or I am to wait on the Lord.
Either way I have something to learn.

I want to be open to that lesson: Whatever it is I am to learn.
I want to hear His Voice.
I want to be ready.
And I am not quite sure I can be while standing here annoyed at my scenery.

My adversary wants me to lament.
To list all the ways I am frustrated
To place blame
To sit and live in my annoyance and worry

And I stand with the proverbial angel on one shoulder and devil on the other.
Caught in the middle of a battle of wills:
Trust?
Blame.
Gratitude?
Worry.
Present?
Future.

*sigh*

It's exhausting.

To say the least yesterday was long, and worry-filled (confessing my sin here).
And as I sat and wrote this, no answers came to surface.

Some days there are no answers.
There are no epiphanies.   
There are no great moments of clarity and peace.

As I sit on my porch with my manna and my Great Love, my mind turns to some that I love:
One who has been facing weeks of crippling pain with no answers.
One who just lost her father.
One who is dying.
One who is being nursemaid and Jesus to her children's cancer-fighting father.
One who cannot let go.
Ones grappling with health decisions for family.
Others, like me, going round and round the same tree.

Sometimes we feel lost in the woods.  We wander and wander, aimlessly lost yet helpless to do anything about it.

I've been lost in this wilderness for 8 years now.

But, today, I will not lament.
I will not wallow and blame or worry or fret.
Today I will make a list.
I Love Lists.

I will list all of the ways God has provided for me.
I will list all of the times He has come through for me by surprise.
I will cross off of my list all of the worries from my past that He lifted off of my shoulders.
I will be thankful for the ways He's never let me down before.
And I will declare Him to be Jehovah Jireh:

God the Provider
As Abraham did-
BEFORE God provided.

He IS Jehovah Jireh.

Claim the provision BEFORE it happens.

God is faithful.
He's never let me down before.