Why I Love Spring

Amazing how experiences can change your perspective.

I've always been a "Fall Girl." I love Autumn. The changing leaves. The crisp chill in the air. The faint whisper of the coming holidays all fill me with excitement and a love for being outside.

But then, April 2001 happened. My precious Buddy-Man was born - 4 days late (he was due on Easter Sunday). And as I entered that Spring with this new precious life in my arms, I began to see Springtime in an entirely new light. I saw the budding trees differently. I watched as flowers bloomed and baby bunnies scampered through the field. I was in awe of the new life all around me...and in my arms.

Two years ago, Springtime once again changed my perspective; my life.

Sitting on my porch, wrapped in the arms of my First Love, my fears over provision and the future overwhelmed me. Uncertainty over what was going to happen to me swallowed me whole. How could I survive this pain? How can I face each day alone? And if I did survive this, how could I provide for my family? Drowning in debt, fears, lies, attacks. Worry.

And then one morning, it happened. Sitting in silence for a while on my porch, my eye caught the most amazing sight. I've read of this; from a very familiar place in fact. But, still, I was mesmerized. There, high in the crepe myrtle in front of me, there was movement. A small scurry through the branches just budding with the fresh green leaves of the season. I watched, waiting. Strangely unextraordinary, yet I could not take my eyes off of this sight. The tiniest of sparrows emerged with its beak filled with straw. Bustling through the branches, I watched it come out, fly across the yard to the dry remnants of last year's pampas grass, grasp a beak-full, and make its way back to the top of the crepe myrtle.

There, right before me, a sparrow was building her nest.

And I could not take my eyes off of her.

She did not wring her feathers in worry. She did not flit around to her neighboring birds twittering, "Whatever shall I do?!?" She simply proceeded to build her nest. With precision and patience, as if she'd done this a hundred times, she made the journey across the yard, from treetop to straw - straw to treetop, building her nest.

I spent the Spring watching this friend go from nesting to motherhood. Within weeks I could hear the tiniest tweets coming from her direction. And she turned her attention to different matters than gathering straw. And I was in awe of how God used this tiny creature to remind me - to outright tell me - how He loves me. How He would provide. How He had me - and my sparrow friend - in the palm of His mighty hand.

Now, two years later, I sit on my porch and remember. (Let me urge you - never stop remembering). The darkest, most painful experience of my life became the greatest experience of my life because of the Love of my Creator. I look up into that tree and remember my sparrow, long gone by now. I remember the provision. I see how far He has led me. I see how He has provided far more than I could ever imagine or ask for.

And I shared how blessed I am; to the point of almost feeling guilty for how spoiled I have been.

And I was reminded: "Didn't you say you are the favorite?"

I Am Addicted to Jalapeno Cheetos

I have consumed more than my fair share of junk food lately. My schedule has become much busier than I am previously accustomed; therefore, my excuse has been that I just don't have time to prepare healthy snacks and lunches for myself.

Some of these more consistent items have included: chips, Little Debbies, sodas (and I DETEST soda), sugar-candy, jalapeno Cheetos (my personal fave), cookies, etc.

Now, before you get angry with me for making you hungry, take another look at that list. What on that list provides nourishment to my body? Nothing. Not. One. Thing.

Therefore, as yummy and enjoyable as they are in the moment (except, of course, for the sodas), they did nothing for me but poison my body. However, my body had grown accustomed to such junk. So accustomed, that it seemed normal, was of course acceptable, and definitely preferable.

Therefore, the conscious decision to not partake in such junk has had an unwelcome affect on my body. You would think that it would be thrilled to no end that I am instead filling it with healthier choices such as whole grains, more fruits and vegetables, and fresh rather than processed selections. This should be refreshing and renewing. Thus far, nope. My body is in a minor state of shock at the moment: headaches and fatigue being the main ways I know this.

Yet actual food, rather than processed junk, is true fuel for my body. It will readjust and begin to flourish and grow; be strengthened and renewed.

This morning on my porch, as I breathed in the first hints of Spring air; as I watched as the sky grew lighter behind the overcast clouds; as I heard the first of the birds waken with a new day; I became painfully aware of the toxins that I had consumed in my heart as of late:

Pride. Anger. Envy. Rage. Unforgiveness. (of myself and others)

Poison to my heart. Poison to my life. Poison to my relationships. Poison to my soul.

Yet, strangely comfortable, almost normal. Excuse filled justifications for not trusting God with my heart.

And it is not easy to take the time to rid the body of such things. It requires trusting God with my heart. Trusting the One who created that heart. Trusting the One who through the darkest time of my life desperately, passionately, relentlessly pursued that heart until He made it His own. Things may not have turned out the way I wanted them to, wrongs may not get righted, my plans may not be His plans. Yet, believing that God has it all: my circumstances, my life, my heart, my future, my family, in His almighty hands is the first healthy choice I must make.

So, emptying my heart of the junk is not easy. When you are a little too accustomed to the toxins, it is uncomfortable and strange at first. But, consumed with the love of the Great Love, I will flourish and grow; be strengthened and renewed.

Sheep are Not Intelligent Animals

One of the things that annoys me the most about myself is my inability to stay focused.

Can I get a witness?

I am a bit grumpy. I feel tired. Strangely, I do not feel hungry. Yet I don't really feel 'good.'

I am sure that my body is de-toxing from all of the junk that has been shoved into it these last couple of months. And as my body adjusts, my mind and my spirit do too.

Strange. When I am feeling less than positive about myself, I automatically assume others are feeling the same.

And I know it is attack. I know that the accuser hates when we take the time to refocus our minds and hearts back to our Creator; the Author and Sustainer and Perfecter of our faith. And yes, in all honestly this is something we should do every day. But, our God knew from the beginning that we would have low attention spans, be easily distracted, and greatly in need of Direction. (Thus the reasoning behind calling us 'sheep'.) And He commanded and instructed Fasting to counteract those very negative qualities. A set-apart time to remove distractions, whatever they may be, in order to fix our eyes on Jesus.

So, I know that I will not "arrive" at some point with great knowledge and wisdom and insight never before unearthed. However, I am desiring to continue to know Him in a more intimate way. And I know - I know that I know that I know - that I will. I already am. Each day.

It is after all, Our Love Story.

And Love takes effort. And choices. And sometimes struggles. But, with Him, it is ALWAYS worth it.

A Sigh at the End of the Day

What a wonderful beginning to Spring Break. An "Adventure Trip" (so named because I don't tell the crazies where we are headed-just pile them in the car and drive) to Chattanooga complete with a two night stay in a hotel with an indoor pool, Aquarium visit to see the SEAHORSES on my birthday, and topped off with a trip to my mom's ('Mo' to the crazies). Not a bad mini-vaca to us.

But, now, laundry is done, bags are re-packed, and they are off for trip #2 - Florida with their dad.

My house is too quiet.

And I am reflecting on the thoughts that have been percolating for the last couple of weeks. Thoughts that I decided I was too busy and too tired to really address. But here, in the quiet of my house, with no sound but the snores of my Adrian nearby, the thoughts rise to the surface.

I am more clear-headed these last few days. And now that I have time, it is time to share. To 'confess.' To say feelings out loud in order to grow.

• I am not yet at forgiveness.
• I have fallen back into my excuse-life:

"I'm doing the best I can."

"Don't you see how hard I am working and how tired I am?"

"Children are resilient."

"I can't help it."

• I am suddenly very aware of how often I look to 'junk' when I am stressed.
• I have failed to remember, vividly and regularly, how far the Great Love has brought me; how much He has done for me; how He has changed me; and how many great plans He has in store for me still.
• Have I mentioned I am not yet at forgiveness?
• I question myself more and more (...and more...and more...and more...)
• I have yet to trust God with my children.
• Yet through this all, I am incredibly, remarkably, undeservedly blessed.

Making the conscious decision not to reach for junk food, junk tv, junk games, junk time-killers is not easy. But it is also making the conscious decision to lean in closer to where I've needed to be all the time. And when that happens, I have an easier time hearing Him remind me that He is all I need. And my life is truly in His hands.

40 Days of - Dirt in my Pocket??

Lent? But I'm not Catholic!

For years to me, Lent was a time period honored by "other denominations" with such traditions as not eating chocolate for the 40 days leading up to Easter. I never really understood it or respected it. Because, you know, "those people" celebrate it so it must be wrong.

I am not going to go into the history - or even the purpose of - the season of Lent with you here. I really just want to get back to basics.

Fasting is a 'spiritual discipline' (there I go with another one of those church phrases that most people question the meaning of) often neglected in the teachings of the church of Christ. In addition to teachings on and understanding of the Holy Spirit, those of us brought up in 'the church' rarely studied about or gained spiritual strength from the practice of Fasting. I am also not going to go into all of the options or variations on Fasting here. I just want to share a bit of my experience and observations.

My philosophy is that anything - and I do mean anything - that leads me closer to Jesus is a good thing. Whether it be my time on my porch, praying with a friend, learning from another whose choices in life are questionable, facing life-shattering experiences of my own, or a religious practice of another denomination; if it leads me to a closer relationship with my Lord and Savior, then it is a blessing to my life.

Whatever you call it, Lent or otherwise, any time period of fasting (be it partial, total, or a fasting of things other than food) is not only beneficial to our Spiritual strength but is also instructed in the Word.

Yesterday, as I was driving home from Nashville, half a day into the beginning of my 40-day partial fast, some thoughts came to light:

:How often do I reach for something - often junk food but sometimes not - mindless to escape the stress of my moment? Whether it's cookies, chips, a mindless computer game, or even the radio, I often do not want to focus. I don't want to think. Yesterday, getting into my car, I had to make the conscious decision to not grab for the cheesy poofs and instead, soak up the sounds of my children playing in the backseat and mentally hand over to God all the thoughts racing through my mind.

:My head hurt. Really. Why? Lack of sugar. Wow. Half a day of no processed sugar (except in my coffee) had given me a headache that I was not enjoying in the moment. Yet, the thought that this fast was not only detoxing my spirit but also my body gave me determination to continue on.

:We are all a bunch of hypocrites. We are all Pharisees. And it's time we realize it instead of sitting back pointing our fingers at each other.

In May of 2010 God called me to live a more transparent life. To be real. Honest. Open. Good. Bad. All of it. Because no one learns anything from watching others walk around this life trying to look perfect. I am not. I am flawed and broken. But learning and desperately in love with my Creator. And I want to share my journey. Not so that you will look at me and think how great I am (because I certainly am not). Simply because God called me to. And I will obey and trust Him with the rest.

More and more of my friends are honoring the season of Lent nowadays - denomination aside. And you know what? It's not easy. Any period of fasting is not easy. I share on this blog and Facebook because I need the prayers and encouragement of those walking this life with me. Some Facebook for networking. Others for social reasons. Others to stalk. And still others looking for that "special someone." I Facebook to encourage and be encouraged.

All I ask at this point is that we realize that we are ALL in this journey TOGETHER. We, as the people of God have got to stop criticizing each other and instead:

"encourage one another daily, as long as it is called “Today,” so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness. We have come to share in Christ, if indeed we hold our original conviction firmly to the very end." Heb. 3:13-14

Some criticize others for not fasting. Some criticize others for fasting and openly discussing it. We ALL criticize one another for not doing things the way 'we' think they should be done. And all of these little critical eyes working together divide the people of God. Instead, let's learn from each other. Let's encourage each other. NONE of us has all the right answers. I am not more holy because I fast. You are not more holy because you don't. I am not more holy because I talk to God on my porch. You are not more holy because you pray in your closet. I am not more holy because I openly share my journey. You are not more holy because your journey is your own and you choose instead to be more prayerful for others.

We. Are. All. In. This. Together.

Let's start acting like it folks.