Giving Up

Not every day can be a Mountaintop Day.


I am a goal-setter.
I am a list-maker.
I am a task-focused achiever.


I love being able to step back and take pride in a job well done.


No matter what it is.


My employment job.  My housework.  My yardwork.


Goals met.
Items crossed off the list.
Tasks accomplished.


It's a great feeling.
Attainment.
Fulfillment.
Realization.


But - not every day is this way.
And not every 'task' is this way.


People.
They are not to-do lists.


There are days when no matter how hard you work, no matter how much you accomplish, you turn around and see the giant mountain of work still to do.


And it's exhausting.
And discouraging.
It's disheartening.
I feel like


A failure.


And I want to


Give.Up.


Right now.
Everywhere I turn it seems a mountain of unattainable goals.
People.
Hurting.  Frustrated.  Longing.  Failing. Tired. 


And I see them.
And I see how I've tried to
Help. Instruct.  Encourage.


I hurt.
I shake my head.
I (sometimes) hang my head.
My shoulders droop.
And I utter the infamous, "What's the point?"


So, as I turn my attention to a sink full of dishes, two loads of laundry, sticky floors, scattered class papers, school backpacks, knee-deep weeds...
bickering children...
very lost friends...


I take a deep breath...
Close my eyes...


And remember...


'Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.' ~Gal 6:9


*sigh*


Let's do this.

Mini Me

She is my mini-me.

At eight years old:

She looks like me.

Walks like me.

Talks like me.

Has my personality.

Has my humor.

Has my goofiness.

Has my heart.

And right now, she is All.About.Me.

Every morning: by my side.

Helps me make breakfast.

Constantly asks me to teach her how.

Every afternoon: by my side.

Needing homework help.

Reading to me.

Begging me to ride bikes.

Or play Barbies.

She has even gone to the point of setting her alarm for half an hour early

just to spend time with me. It honors me. It humbles me.

I asked her one night before bed, "Squirt, what would you say if someone told you that you are just like me?" (Because often I am told this).

And she replied, eyes wide open, "I would think that's great!"

"Why?" I asked.

"Because you're FUNNY!" she stated.

*sigh*

She is a deep reflection into me. I see myself with new eyes

as I watch her grow.

She is tickled at the same things I am.

She is hurt by the same things I am.

She is motivated by the same things I am.

And as we walk anywhere - Walmart, the park, into church - and she reaches for my hand, I treasure that precious little girl, my mini-me, walking alongside.

There will more than likely come a time,

sooner than later I fear,

when this mini-me rejects our similitude.

And I will be ready.

It's natural and to be expected.

But, while I have this connection, I will treasure it.

I blogged about the boy-child on his birthday.

You may ask, why not blog about the girl-child on her birthday?

And I simply think,

Why wait?

My Buddy

My Little Man.

No longer a boy.

Not quite a man.

But, oh, how he longs to be.

He is my firstborn.

My leader.

My 'do it right or don't do it at all' child.

He is detailed.

He is focused.

He is task-oriented.

He tries to be my co-parent ;)

He even tries to parent me. (imagine that)

And in many ways, he is my opposite.

Sadly, this perfectionistic, there's-a-right-and-wrong-way-to-do-everything kid is being raised by a don't-sweat-the-small-stuff kind of mom.

Boy, do we butt heads.

We argue.

We disagree. (About nearly everything).

We lose our tempers.

And we love. Deeply.

At the end of nearly every day, as we tuck into bed, he becomes my little boy again.

And we talk.

About almost everything.

And he opens up.

And I listen.

And sometimes he will listen back.

Raising my (almost) direct opposite gives me an even deeper view into a reflection of me.

What makes me tick helps me focus more on what makes him tick.

Understanding myself helps me to better understand him.

Finding what challenges, motivates, and strengthens me helps me challenge, motivate, and strengthen him.

Because despite our differences, I never want him to grow up thinking that I disapproved of, disliked, or discounted him because of the ways we differ.

I want him to see that those differences make me love him more.

Being my Buddy's mother has changed my life, my Walk, my Journey with the Great Love more than any other single experience I have faced.

Through my son, I have come to know God, and His passionate, relentless, love for me

so much better.

Happy Birthday, my Son.

God's Favorite

There are two schools of thought on this one.

First: There is the...

"Beautiful day,

Someone bought me my favorite morning beverage,

My boyfriend brought me flowers,

Work is smooth,

I found an item on sale,

All is right with my world,

Therefore, today, I'm the Favorite"

kind of thinking.

Next, there is an almost opposite viewpoint.

This is the...

"My world is crumbling around me,

How can I pay the electric bill this month,

My friends have abandoned me,

This is day 18 in a row of crises,

I am facing tragedy,

heartache,

struggle,

pain,

worry.

I am definitely God's Favorite right now"

line of thinking.

(and it's not sarcasm).

I am in the Second line of thinking.

I am in the minority on this one.

I know this.

I own my weirdness.

*whispers, 'I actually like my weirdness on this one.'*

Honestly, and please don't take offense, the first line of thinking annoys me.

If you are completely confused, look back and reminisce with me on my definition of being

The Favorite.

It is the point at which I am broken.

The point at which "I" must be crucified.

Laid upon the altar.

The point at which all I have left is Him.

At which I am truly dependent.

And drawn nearer.

He breaks me for one purpose.

He allows my world to be shattered for one reason.

He stretches me out of my comfortable, smooth, 'all is going my way' world....

Because. He. Adores. Me.

And longs for me to desire Him as much as He desires me.

Are you hurting?

Are you lost?

Are you questioning?

Are you afraid?

Are you at the end of your rope with nothing left to hold on to?

Then you, my friend, are The Favorite.

Truly.

I so long for you to see that.

Three. Years.

Milestones.

Occasions.

Accomplishments.

Events.

Birthdays.

Anniversaries.

First words.

First steps.

First kisses.

All Markers. Experiences.

Milestones.

A lot can happen in three years.

Think about it.

I've thought about it a lot over the last week.

Jesus ministered on this earth for three years.

Wow.

Puts my last three years in a bit of a deeper perspective.

Three years ago this past weekend was the night my life changed forever.

Turned upside down.

A question asked.

An answer I never expected.

And hours upon hours...

leading into days upon days...

and weeks upon weeks...

of tears.

As I sit on my porch and reflect, for God celebrates Milestones right along with us, I must sit and remember:

Pain makes me appreciate comfort.

Tears make me appreciate laughter.

Solitude makes me appreciate friendship.

Heartache makes me appreciate joy.

I stumbled across a series of e-mails I had written over the course of 2009 to one particular person. Honestly, these were details that I had forgotten. Or, at least, had tucked away into a far recess of my memory. But, reading these messages brought it all back to surface. Flooding.

But, surprisingly, not in a devastating way.

That was the event, leading to the year, that would change my life.

Forever.

I mean it.

It was the end of 'me.'

God would not let me wallow.

There was no 'why me?'

There was no pity party.

He asked me to walk with Him down a path of self-discovery.

And instead I found Him.

And that was all I needed.

He was Enough.

There is no going back.

Once you've tasted of the fruit He has to offer, none other can compare.

So, as I remember, solemnly (because, let's face it, it was not a particularly pleasant experience), I close my eyes and bask in 'Favorite' status.

He loved me enough not to let me stay in the status quo.

He loved me enough to call me out of my selfishness.

He loved me enough to allow me to walk in the deepest of valleys...

Knowing I would find Him waiting there for me.

Time

Where has it gone?

Yes, I've been away for a bit.

Not intentionally.

Well...maybe.

A couple of weeks ago my family went on an electronics fast.

It began as some discipline for the child who uses it the most. But, as I began to think through my reasonings for withholding that privilege, I began to see the need for a 'time out' for myself as well. So, for a week, all three of us went on a no TV, no computer (except for work and school), no DS, no Wii, no electronics break.

It was so refreshing.

And renewing.

And enlightening.

We found ourselves doing other things, just as I knew we would.

And I spent many hours contemplating...

Time.

This is not a new concept. The idea of 'not enough hours in the day' and 'wasting time.'

Others are on this journey as well. I hear of friends who really evaluate the time 'wasted' on Facebook, Pinterest, surfing the web or browsing online. That has been a weakness of mine. And I've taken breaks before, simply to dive right back in when the allotted time has past.

Except for this time.

This time was different.

This 'Time' was different.

I am not sure why. All I do know is that some things are starting to finally, deeply, sink in.

My kids and I don't watch television enough to justify what I was paying per month on cable. And when we did watch, it was often the same episodes over and over because, let's face it, there is precious little on television these days that I find acceptable for my children to view. And I don't like to watch a lot of television, but I had to sit with them in order to supervise adequately my oldest child's 'channel surfing.'

So, away it went. Last week in fact. No TV. At all.

And, honestly, I do not miss it.

My house is quieter.

I am more productive.

My kids are more active.

And less angry.

Less irritable.

Less annoyed with the world.

Unrelated? Maybe.

But, I'll take it.

I am on a journey. Most of you have gathered quite a while ago.

Part of this journey is my transformation to be different from this world.

For my family, this is a step in the 'radical' direction.

Maybe you're already there. Maybe not.

Either way, this is where I am in my walk.

First things first.

This is only the beginning.

I am on a journey to simplify my life.

Partly for my sanity.

Partly because...

Why?

Why keep all this 'stuff'?

Why hoard things I MIGHT use 'someday'?

Why pile stacks upon stacks upon stacks of 'stuff' away in a corner?

The truth is: I am told that this world is NOT my home.

I am simply preparing. Learning. Growing. Maturing.

Storing away treasures in my Eternal Home.

*deep sigh*

*longing for the face-to-face*

So, it begins here:

Re-evaluation of my time.

My space.

My use of the 'time' I have been given.

I am tired of doing nothing but merely dashing from one place to the next only to wake up tomorrow and do it all over again.

Wake up call this week: Dashing from work to grab the broken-armed child to rush him to the orthopedist's office, I was stopped by a precious sister who simply asked me one thing:

"When you have a minute, I just need to have a good cry."

Opened Eyes.

Screeching Halt.

This sister has been faced with pain that no one on earth should have to bear: the possibility of losing a precious child in her life.

You know what? I found that minute.

And I wouldn't have traded it for the world.

Next on the agenda...

Prioritizing...