Green is Not My Color

How often are you asked, "What's your favorite color?"

The truth is, I have never really had a favorite color. I'm odd that way. I've always said, "blue" because that's easy. But, honestly I like just about all colors. I like to wear all colors and I have a hard time seeing many colors as not beautiful in their own distinct way.

But lately, I've been annoyed by green.

I'm not really a 'grass is greener on the other side' kind of person. But the last several weeks, I've found myself overtaken by jealousy.

I can find all manner of things to get jealous over. It's not that I want your life necessarily. But I can easily find one particular thing in your life that I really do want. And I am angry that you have it and I do not. And it distracts me. And it steals my joy.

Earlier this week, as I refocused my brain and opened back up to hearing the Voice I have missed for a while, I began to let go of some of the earthly holds over me. I made a mental list of all of the things around me that I have wasted energy envying; some of these I can list, others I should not.

Sometimes I envy Materialistic items. Others have a nicer car, better items in their houses, spending money and cooler 'stuff.'

Sometimes I envy less Tangible things. Time. Energy. Compliant children.

**pause for laughter**

Sometimes I envy Relationships. Companionship. Lifestyles.

But envy is a poison. It roots itself in discontent. And in comparisons. And sometimes those comparisons are like apples to oranges. For me to envy a married friend who is a stay-at-home-mom who homeschools is a ridiculous comparison simply because our lifestyles are so very different. But, yet, I do. Her and so many others.

Wasn't it Paul who said, "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength." Phil. 4:11-13

I think if a man who was beaten and shipwrecked, stoned and imprisoned, can say these things, then I certainly can learn this idea of 'contentment' too.

The truth is that we all have a calling. And a purpose: a reason. And I am right where God has placed me. And to sit and lament over all that I do not have robs me of the joy found in what I do.

It is true that the 'lean times' make us appreciate more the times when we have plenty. But, I venture to say that we can go even a little deeper than that. The 'lean years' - whether we are talking of materialistic or less tangible issues - have the potential to draw us to a deeper relationship with the Great Love than we even knew was possible; than we even knew existed.

Had I never experienced the world crumbling beneath my feet, I would never have learned the dependence on Him that I have. And had I never learned that dependence, I would never have fallen so deeply in love. And that Love, dear ones, is what chases away the loneliness and sadness and pain that life has thrown my way.

So, the truth is, there is nothing on this earth that I could ever possibly long for, or envy in another, that could remotely pretend to approach what God's generous hand has showered upon me.

And has waiting for me on the other side...

"Earth has nothing I desire besides you." Ps. 73:25

Daydreams

Whether by nature or by nurture, I am quirky.

I am a daydreamer. While no believer in astrology, I have to admit the connection between my own personality and the typical Pisces. I regularly have one foot on the ground and the other somewhere in the nebula, as if all along my spirit has known that it is not of this world. My present place in life is not an easy one for a daydreamer such as myself. My desire is to be playing, acting, singing and dancing. Not being the one to pay the bills, teach responsibility, discipline and keep schedules. So, I am greatly challenged.

I find myself often, as I go about my day, gazing up at the clouds to see the sunlight peeking through and watch the slow movement across the sky. I am captivated at night by the moonlit sky as I walk the dog for her one last jaunt before bed. I stare out into the woods, completely in awe at the countless shades of green.

I daydream.

I long for something.

You know that feeling. Deeply longing for something you do not, or cannot, have.

It can be saddening. It can be depressing. It can even be crippling.

For me it has been, for several years, a yearning to be yearned for. Does that make sense? I want to be known. I want to be desired. I want to be pursued and loved - fully, completely, relentlessly. I want someone to be so captivated by me that they cannot stand another minute without me. Do not confuse this with a desire for codependency. Been there, done that. Bought and outgrew the t-shirt. I'm talking about the real thing. So real that there are no words to fully convey the connection I desire.

It's a connection I've never before known; to be so loved by another that my happiness is their highest priority. And I've spent years in that state of longing. That state of desire. That state of daydream.

Whatever your 'star sign' may be; whatever your quirks, whatever your daydreams contain - this desire to be known and pursued and loved is a desire held by all women. It is inherent to our very core, designed by God Himself.

Why?

Because He is the One truly longed for. And He is the One who has pursued me. And though I do not have Him face to face, with tangible hands to hold or eyes to gaze upon, my longing is now different. My daydreams are different. They now consist not of longing for the things which I have never known, but of gazing into the distance feeling that spiritual connection with the One who truly knows me. And has pursued me. And has made me fall in love with Him in a deeper way than I ever imagined. It is a daily adventure, as responsibilities and work and activities and expectations creep in to the forefront.

But, at the end of the day, as night has fallen and busy, loud activity is replaced by the sighs of slumber all around me, the longing to be held is found again in the arms that caught me as I fell some time ago.

Sure, it would be nice to feel them physically around me.

But...that time will come.

Expecting

I am expecting.

No, I am not pregnant.

Maybe I should re-phrase that. I have expectations. I think of all of the things that I spend anticipating: Weekends with the Crazies, Christmas festivities, paying off a debt. These are things I look forward to with joy. But, I am not speaking here of anticipations. I am speaking of: Expectations.

Let me explain.

There are certain expectations of me that are completely justified.

• To put my children's needs first
• To provide for my family
• To be a good steward of what God has given me
• To abandon the sins of my past and the temptations of today
• To be honest and live with integrity

But, sometimes there are occasional expectations of me that I tend to see as rather unrealistic; unfair. And I dislike it. I cannot come running in the middle of the night. I cannot loan money every time I am asked. I cannot put others' needs ahead of my own family's. I cannot drop everything at a moment's notice to rescue a momentary crisis. I cannot be as flexible with my schedule as is desired. I cannot put others first ahead of my children. And sometimes these things are asked of me. And, that, dear ones, is when the feel-sorries make themselves at home. You know those thoughts: If only they could see how hard I work. Don't they know I'm a single mom with two jobs? They are never the ones to call me to see how I'm doing. Whine... whine... whine...

I detest the feel-sorries. I am worthless to my Creator when I am wallowing in this shallow, selfish, toxic wasteland.

But, this 'expectation' mentality is also a two-way street.

The last two days a fog has lifted around me and I am once again seeing a little more clearly in light of my often chaotic life. This morning I began to breathe, and meditate, and open my heart again to my Abba and I could see the irony in my twisted, bent-up thoughts. I am weary of others expecations of me. Yet, I have in turn placed unfair ones on others as well.

I said I will do my reason. And I think you should do yours. Yet I also think we should not expect others to do things that are not their reason.

We all have gifts, purposes, reasons set aside by God Himself. And those purposes are not all the same. So, why, in Heaven's name, am I expecting the Peters in my life to be Barnabuses?

I don't call the plumber when my roof is leaking. I don't call the phone company when the heat fails. In the same way, I need to stop being angry with the Peters in my life for not being a Barnabus when I need it.

My point is I am just as guilty. And I am sorry. Truly.

Sometimes I get distant because I allowed my feelings to be hurt. And the simple truth of the matter is that it is entirely my own doing. I have expected others to do things that are not their reason.

So, as I sit and desire the benefit of the doubt and a little extra grace and a little understanding from those around me, I am called to give the same.

A little benefit of the doubt.

A little extra grace.

A little more understanding....

And a little more realistic expectations.

This is me trying to be better at Little.

Be Little

It's the Little things:

• The first sip of coffee on a cold, Autumn morning
• A brightly painted sky that takes your breath away
• Butterfly kisses
• A sudden burst of giggles from the other room
• Colored leaves
• Sleep
• A favorite movie
• The ending to a new favorite book
• Baking brownies
• Bedtime prayers with a child

It's the Little things:

• Glitch-free technology
• New tires and plenty of gas
• Work
• A pain-free day
• Heat as the crisp wind approaches
• Pay-day
• Warm beds
• Full bellies

It's the Little things:

• A quick message simply stating, "I'm thinking of you."
• A smile
• Inside jokes
• A house full of laughter and friends
• The sudden absence of an obtrusive tree branch thanks to a thoughtful neighbor
• Friends who steal your car to get the oil changed
• Arriving home to freshly mowed grass due to good Samaritans
• The benefit of the doubt
• A perfectly timed hug

Be. Little.

Do Your Reason

It's been a while. I know. And I apologize. Life (as we like to call it) has overwhelmed me lately and while I have known that I need to be on here sharing and encouraging, I've found myself at the end of every day with really no words to share.

Before you fall out of your chair laughing, "Nancy?!? NO words?!?" - it's true.

I want to encourage. I want to uplift and be a light. A voice for faith.

I've simply been just overwhelmed. However, to re-adopt my two-year-old motto: "No Excuses" - I apologize.

A good friend said to me this week, "God put you here for a reason. Do your reason."

That being said...here goes.

To begin: a confession. To follow-up: a turn-around.

Confession: I've felt so worn out and weary and completely spent lately that I have not given myself and my spirit what it needs. I've been consumed with the needs and demands of those around me that I have neglected my own very real, very necessary, needs; both physically and spiritually. That's about to change; at least for a couple of soul-demanding weeks. I'll not lament what those needs are as they will sound like whines and I left that part of my past just there - in the past. I beat it, kicked it, dragged it out of town and shot it in the head and am determined that it shall not resurrect itself. I'll just end this by reminding some of you (who really need to remember) that it is ok - no, better yet, it is Godly - to take care of yourself physically and spiritually. In fact, if you don't, you find yourself with nothing left to give. And that, my friends, is where I am dangerously close to edging upon.

Turn-around: It's time for some blessing counting.

• At the end of the day, I truly am blessed to be surrounded by so many people who desire my company and assistance and trust me with their needs as much as they do. There are times when my desire is not to be needed quite so much, yet it is a privilege to be counted worthy of walking alongside my friends, family, brothers and sisters, shouldering a portion of their burdens.
• My family has a new (to us) vehicle. And, in reality, it is a better quality van than the one that was just totaled. We definitely came out on the winning end of that drama and I am grateful to God every time I get in it and start the engine.
• I learned today that my blog has been read in 12 countries. Humbling.
• New friends I have made on this journey have opened my eyes more clearly to the world around me and how touched by the hand of God I have been. He loves to challenge me daily to see others as He sees them and it is truly a gift for which I cannot thank Him enough.
• Our family has a new member: Ngutse lives in Rwanda and we have adopted him through Compassion International. My children pray for him and his family every day and we are falling more and more in love with him.

I've spent a week pondering and meditating; knowing I am not following my calling to share and minister and walk this life as transparently as I can in order to encourage others. And I've ended each day with no words. Today, my eyes were opened to the connection between my weary heart and my calling; my needs and the needs of those around me.

So, today, I will get over myself and my (sinful) worries and my childish whines and I will do what God put me here to do.

I will do my reason.

Who Do You Think You Are?

Or a better question: Who do I think I am?

This is not a post with answers.

These are questions. Musings. Ponderings.

As I massage my terribly wounded toes.

These last few days have been overflowing with reminders of: Forgiveness.

Second Chances. (And third. And fourth.)

'Faith and love work together. Faith is energized by love, and we cannot expect our prayers to be answered if we are angry at someone or have unforgiveness in our heart.' -Joyce Meyer (Mark 11:24-26)

Ouch. Don't like that one.

'Holding a grudge is letting someone live rent free in your head.' - Facebook post

Ouch. Don't like that one either.

Think God is trying to tell me something?

Or how about this one?

'Forgive, and you will be forgiven.. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.' -Luke 6

I like that one the least.

Because the measure I have used has been poor indeed. Small.

Sitting in a school assembly this past week with people across the auditorium with whom I really desire to be angry was so. very. hard.

But, as I have said before, right now God is calling me to let go.

At first I thought it was a 'letting go' of the past so I can move on with my life. A calling to benefit me. Then I've begun to realize that is only part of the calling. To let go - fully - also means to let go of my pain. Of the wrongs. Of the lies. Of the abandonment. Of the things that just are not 'right' in my eyes.

Deep down, in the now and in my forever future, that is also for my benefit.

God tells me in His love letters to me that He will right the wrongs.

Do I trust that that may not mean exactly what I want it to?

Am I ready to really...let go?

I was asked this week, as I lamented my worries over my children and their happiness and their adjustments and learning: "Who do you think you are, Nancy, to think that you determine your children's future? Your children are God's. They were never yours to begin with. He has them well taken care of. You are not the one to make things happen for them. Let God do that. You just parent the way God would have you - parent to please Him."

I'm going to take it a step further:

"Who do you think you are, Nancy, to not forgive the wrongs against you in your life? How much more has God already forgiven from you?"

Ouch.

'I am the thorn in Your crown
But You love me anyway
I am the sweat from Your brow
But You love me anyway
I am the nail in Your wrist
But You love me anyway

I am Judas’ kiss

But You love me anyway' - Sidewalk Prophets

Lord, please forgive me.

And teach me to forgive as you do.

"I am Judas' kiss" - that line gets me every time...

Police, Propane and Providence

Friday, September 17, 2011:

Driving north into town to run a few errands, an elderly woman pulled out of a parking lot to my right and, in spite of my best efforts to avoid her, slammed heavily into the passenger side of my van. The impact sent me careening across the southbound lanes of the highway and my van did not come to a stop until I was in a parking lot of a local propane dealer.

As I stood outside of my vehicle, examining damage and trying to stop the shaking, I quickly could see God's fingerprints all over this event.

1. My children were not with me in the car. Had they been, more than likely they would not have been injured, but I know the impact would have been terrifying for them; especially my son who sits in the passenger seat and whose door took the brunt of the force.

2. A policeman was sitting in the parking lot adjacent to the one the woman exited and witnessed the entire event. This was an enormous blessing because a stranger immediately approached him and told him that the accident was my fault. The policeman calmly stated, "I don't know who you are or what you think you saw, but you are wrong."

3. Did you read the sentence above which stated that I sailed across the opposite lanes of the highway? Now, I know Fayetteville is not a large town, but at 4:45 on a Friday afternoon, any area of that stretch of highway is constantly filled with traffic flow. And in that instant that I was hit, there was NO ONE COMING down that stretch of road.

4. Neither the woman who hit me nor I were injured in the accident.

5. And, my good (and hilarious) friend and coworker, pointed out the blessing that came from the place where my van finally stopped. Thank God I did not continue to fly into a propane tank!!

*Can't you just hear the talk? "What was that explosion? OH! That's little old speech teacher Nancy careening into a propane tank on Huntsville Highway!"

God was all over it. He saw it coming (long before the point of impact). He was at the ready. He's not finished with me. And He has a plan.

Many questions now remain and are consistently tossed my way on a daily basis:

Will your van be totaled?

If so, how much money will you get?

Will the insurance company try to railroad you?

What will you do in the meantime?

All good and legitimate questions. But, I knew then and I know still today, God has that all figured out. Already. He had it figured out before the accident occurred. And His will WILL be done. Because God is God and that's enough for me. Really. It is.

The past week has consisted of almost immediate arrangement of a borrowed car until I could get a loaner, laughter over my deep-seeded need to be the center of attention, splitting headache and stiffness, phone calls, unsolicited advice from well-meaning friends, and the momentary breakdown that occured as all of the hullabaloo settled down.

I thank my Great Love for the blessings listed above and for so many others unmentioned. I am certain there are many other blessings of which I am even unaware.

I shared my experience once again last night at work, and my wonderful (and hilarious) co-worker, upon hearing my list of blessings, stated:

"OK, that's it. You ARE indeed the favorite."

:-)