Test Fail

Shipwreck.

Prison.

Beatings.

Snakebite.

Prison.

Shipwreck.

Starvation.

Beating.

I look at this list and think to myself, "Hmm...my life seems pretty peachy-keen."

When did you ever hear the apostle Paul complain to God? When did we ever read of him whine about "All I'm trying to do is teach people about you, God! Why can't you keep these things from happening to me?!?"

Nope. He knew all along that the reason all these terrible events happened to him was because the adversary knew what Paul was doing. If the adversary didn't stop Paul, the word of the Messiah would spread all - over - the - world. He HAD to be stopped!

So, we can read of all the catastrophes that happened to Paul as a list of horrendous situations. Or we can look at those events as a long list of some of satan's greatest failures.

Glass half empty or half full?

"In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." I Peter 1:6-8

Recently I've been tested. And, I will confess, more than once I desired to admit defeat, give up, lie down and be done. I knew in my heart God was calling me to be a witness. But, I did not want that calling. I was tired. I said it over and over: "I'm exhausted." And I was surrounded by a variety of people: some encouraging me to stay strong, many encouraging me to give in. (FYI - the folks you surround yourself with during a time of crisis are critical to your being able to declare victory or defeat).

This past week, in my journey along this latest path, I've realized that I failed my latest test. God allowed the experience to refine my faith-that it may be proved entirely genuine. I stumbled. I crumbled. I pulled the covers over my head for a while and begged God to take me out of the battle.

This past week - terribly humbled.

Yet, I know that means another test will come. That's one of the greatest aspects of being in love with God - do overs.

I desire not to be afraid and filled with dread. Instead, I will take this time to "armor up" and ready myself for the next round to come. God NEEDS my faith proven genuine. And I know that I'm going to keep stumbling along the same path over and over until I learn what I need to learn and allow my faith to lead.

So, satan, bring it.

God, allow it.

And I'll prayerfully get prepared.

Illumination

Sound, dreamy sleep.

Alarm.

Yawn.

Stretch.

Stumble.

Fumble.

Tripping, sluggish feet on the cold bathroom floor.

Flip switch.

OUCH!

Light.

Hurts! Squint. Hand-covered face.

Grumbly mumbles over morning coming too early.

Yawn.

Proceed.

You know, light shined brightly - and suddenly - into a dark place is not fun. It can be painful. It can reveal things you didn't know were there. (Ever turn on a light only to see a creepy bug in the room?) It is startling. Jolting. Awakening.

"He reveals the deep things of darkness and brings utter darkness into the light." Job 12:22

"Even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you." Ps 139:12

"He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of the heart." I Cor. 4:5

Ever wonder why God shines His light into our hearts? Is it because He's a control freak and insists on having things His way? I think not and I propose a theory: Since God cannot be where darkness is; God IS light; in Him there can be no darkness - so, control freak? Or relentless lover of his creation? If He cannot be where there is darkness, the darkness has to be removed for Him to be even closer to us. I believe when He shines His light to reveal darkness in my life, He is in actuality revealing Himself to me in a more intimate way by showing me how desperately He desires to be closer to me. My darkness may be sin, deception, buried truths, or unhealed pain. Whatever my darkness is, my Great Love wants it gone simply for the purpose of being closer to me.

And God, in His unfathomable wisdom, has a way with timing. He is never late. He is always on time.

I am a sucker for a good story. And over the past few weeks, I have watched three families be thrown into chaos. And over those weeks, God has drawn each story together; lives intertwined and connected in a tapestry of divine providence and direction. Each life shaken; devastated. Each life illuminated; revealed. Each life softened; drawn closer to the heart of the One who created it.

I have lived a little bit of light-shining here recently. Realizing that my heart is still hurting from my past is unnerving and difficult. Yet never have I felt more loved by the Love of my life as He has shown me that His shining the light of Himself into the darkest recesses of my heart is simply one more way He has demonstrated a passionate pursuit of ALL of me.

I've had a rough evening. And I've said it before, God loves me enough not to let me wallow.

So, let me share some of the ways God has touched my heart and shown off today, so that I can steal away my adversary's thunder.

1. Servant-hearted men swiped my lawn mower (correction: one of my three non-working lawn mowers) several days ago, fixed it up, and returned it this evening in tip-top condition ready for use.

2. Praise-filled word that a dear friend's sister is being restored to better health after news, just yesterday, regarding hospice and "tough days ahead."

3. Looking intently into the tear-filled eyes of an elderly gentleman who shared words of scripture to comfort my weary heart.

That last one fills my eyes as well.

I may lose sleep. I may struggle with fear and anxiety as I shoulder a weight that seems too heavy to carry. But, God restores my soul; touches my heart in the gentlest of ways; reminds me that He sees me.

And gives me Grace to face each step of the way.

For the Broken

Are you angry?

Are you hurting?

Is your life in chaos?

Sitting on my porch this morning, I was struggling to name more than one or two people I know who would not answer this question with a resounding "Yes".

It's sad. And scary. As someone who can answer all three questions in the affirmative, I desire to lean on a shoulder who can help hold me up right now. There are days, more often than not lately, when I must dig down deep to gather up the strength to stand each day. It sure would be nice to be able to lean a little; knowing there is a strength outside of myself to help hold me up.

Yet, here is the problem: again, most people answer those questions in the affirmative. So, what happens when one of us in that category leans over - on another in that same boat? Our human hope is that we can lean on and sustain each other. But, more often than not, our leaning in on each other simply pushes each other down further.

The truth of the matter is that there is only One who can sustain. Only One with the strength to stand strong and firm when I lean in. For, that One is not expecting my shoulder in return. That One is simply standing there waiting for me to lean in for one reason and one reason alone: He loves me.

I hate being the needy one. I am much more content being the one helping others in need. Yet, life happens and there are times when I really have nothing left to give. And when someone, struggling as I am, leans on me when I barely have the strength to stand myself, I fall and that one falls with me.

There is One Healer. There is One Strength. There is only One with the answers and the peace and the provision that I desperately seek. So, Lord, I will lean in on you. And You will hold me up.

"Come near to God and He will come near to you."

James 4:8

Piles of Ashes...

Bear with me. My blog is not about answers. I am not one to finger-point because I know completely the largest finger should be pointing right back at me.

I want to share. I want to be real in my faith. I want you to know my challenges so that you can see the fingerprints of God on my life as He irons out wrinkles and makes sense of chaos.

But, I'm still a little lost.

It's hard to struggle and not be able to share why. It's difficult to be transparent in your faith when circumstances must be held in confidence.

So, I will relate what I can and pray that somewhere out there, someone is encouraged and God is glorified.

I've been challenged. I've come face to face with the notion that what I thought was real was actually a cleverly disguised facade. I've come to question myself, my life, my past, my friends and my future.

But, last week, God led me to make a list. He spoke His comforting words to "do something about those things which you can, and leave the rest to Me," and my shoulders literally fell as the weight upon them became lighter.

So, here's part of my list:

1. My children and I are fine.

2. We learned valuable lessons in safety without something tragic having to happen.

3. I've learned what it means to be vigilant. And being more vigilant about this life, has opened my eyes to what it means to be vigilant about the life to come.

4. God answers prayers. When you give something entirely to Him, He will answer. It may not be the solution you desire, but sometimes even in the point of sheer exhaustion you cannot handle something, give it to Him and He WILL take it and you MUST trust it is what He desires for you.

5. God can take the strangest of circumstances to draw His children closer to each other.

6. Without trials, we can never truly appreciate the goodness He offers us. Without fear, we cannot appreciate His protection. Without want, we can never appreciation His provision.

7. When you think you are the most alone in your life, when everyone else has walked out, you are never LESS alone in your life.

It is vitally important not to focus on the negative in our circumstances, for God's hand is in everything all around us. Mine is not to question why to but to ask "What am I to learn through this?" And mine is to find the good, the positive, the celebrations, in the most unusual and strange (and sometimes fearful) circumstances.

You know, it's ok if people don't understand. The world is full of people who will tell you that they do, but ultimately they truly do not "get it." That's ok. That's another one of those moments when it hits you just how much your life is not about you.

At the end of my days, especially lately, I simply have to ask myself how much it really matters if people understand? What matters is, did I point to my One True Love? Did I honor Him in my actions, my words, my attitude? Am I compassionate to those who I think deserve it, and those who I may think don't?

Ultimately, do I trust God with my life and my heart (and my family) enough to lie my head down at night KNOWING "He's got it" ?

Listen

And act.

I pride myself on being a good listener. Sometimes, it can be a lonely place; to be the listener. I am blessed that my Great Love listens to me, even when I rant or cry or lament the same worries over and over.

Yet, it's when I listen that I become more fully blessed.

Yesterday, in my porch time, longing for direction and encouragement and peace, asking for those needs to be met, I pondered God's word and was at a loss as to which way to go. You see, I've been tremendously malnourished lately. Not feeding my soul like I should, and I was struggling with where to 'begin again.'

And "Joel" came to my mind.

Joel? Really? OT prophet Joel? Nah, that's not God speaking to me. That's just my ponderings on where to go today; a desire to wander off the beaten path.

"Joel"

No, really. My mind is messing with me. God, where will you lead me today...

Work, errands, housework, toe-painting...

End of the day.

"Joel"

OK, fine. I'll read Joel. But, I know my mind was just wandering this morning...

"I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten...You will have plenty to eat, until you are full, and you will praise the name of the Lord your God, who has worked wonders for you; never again will my people be shamed." (Joel 2:25-26)

You see what you get when you listen?

I removed my glasses, buried my face in my hands, and wept.

Oh, how God sees me and knows EX-ACT-LY what I need to hear from His Almighty Self.

Yet, don't just listen.

Do.

A Reminder

I. Am. Hated.

And today, that filled me with inexplicable joy.

There are events in our lives which are difficult and trying because they are the consequences of our sin and bad decisions and the sin and bad decisions of the loved ones in our lives.

But then, there are those events which are nothing but sheer and utter, out-of-the-blue, where the *@! did that come from, moments. Painful. Shocking. Shove-you-down. Knock the wind out of your chest. Devastating. Scary. Life-altering moments.

Very recently. There. I was.

So, several sleepless nights later, picking up pieces and sweeping up aftermath, I find myself on my porch.

Days I've spent asking: Why? How? Purpose? Where are you in all of this, Great Love of mine?

Let me remind you of something: I know that I am the favorite. And I know why. And it is not because things go my way. In fact, it is definitely NOT on those days when circumstances are smiling on me and all that I love shines forth and all is how I want it to be.

It's in moments like this event in my life, when I am reminded why I. AM. THE. FAVE.

Because I am hated. I am hated by the adversary. I am hated by the accuser. I am hated by the father of lies. You know him as satan. I know him as my true and only enemy. And the reason I am so hated by him, is because God has something He needs me to do, and my enemy is trying to stop me from doing it.

Did you hear me? Do you get that? The Almighty Creator of the Universe, My Lord and Savior, My Great Love, has a duty for me. And let me tell you, this past week I have seen that it must be a big one. Because satan has never been more determined to destroy me.

And yes I hurt. And I cried. And I was abandoned. And I was angry (not at God). And I struggled.

And I searched...

And I found, once again, my answer.

This morning, on my porch, God gently spoke the words to me: "Get. Back. Up."

Who am I that the Lord of all Creation has a job for me? Who am I that God desires to use me so much that satan is so determined to destroy me?

If anyone EVER looks to me and says, "I want to be like her. I want her faith. She is so strong."

STOP. IT.

I am nothing. Repeat: nothing. It is nothing but my Lord and Savior passionately pursuing me with a vengeance.

I consider it an honor and a blessing that God has called me to serve Him. It is an honor I am unworthy of. It is also an honor to be struck down by my adversary that I can remotely claim to suffer for my cause.

I bear my scars with pride. I take joy in Getting Back Up, declaring God's victory, and stomping all. over. this. attack.

Because, hear me loud and clear because I know you are listening, you lying sack of crap:

You've done nothing but tick me off. And you should know by now that every time you knock me down, I get back up stronger, more determined, and more IN LOVE WITH MY CREATOR.

Because it is not me.

And because it is not me, I am victorious.