...I Don't Walk Alone

Yesterday, I've mentioned, was 'one of those days.'

Grumpy, tired, distracted, anxious, were all adjectives to describe me throughout the day. Not at my best, certainly. And I get terribly annoyed with myself when I allow the concerns of this world to become the forefront of my thoughts.

But, God has a way of making sure I get my mind back on track. Sometimes He does it with a gentle word from a friend. Sometimes it's a reminder from His love letters to me.

But, then sometimes, He whips out His enormous palette of out-of-this-world artistry and simply. shows. off.

This rainbow was so enormous that I couldn't capture it in one photo. It was right outside. And was THE brightest I have EVER seen. My kids and I stood there in awe, completely astounded at the beauty and enormity of it all.

And then, as I turned to go back inside, I saw this on the opposing skyline:

I'll pause for a moment to let you catch your breath.

Just when I think God cannot get any more amazing, He shows me just how much bigger He is than I give Him credit for.

What better way to refocus my heart back on the Great Love of my life than by showing off TREMENDOUSLY right in my own neighborhood?

So, you see, even on the down days, God is walking with me, seeing my needs, holding my hand, ready to step in at a moment's notice.

Things may not be the way I wish they would be. I am not as 'far along' as I thought I would be by now this year. And expectations I've had about people and circumstances were not fulfilled.

But my life is not my own. And the Great Love has a plan.

"I'm not where I want to be but thank God I'm not where I used to be!" ~Joyce Meyer

Even on the Down Days...

This has been one of those days.

No, not one of those 'everything has gone wrong' days.

But, one of those 'everything catches up with you' days.

Being a single parent is exhausting. I've pondered making a list of all that is on my shoulders, so to speak, just so that I have a tangible, visible understanding in front of me. Yet, I hesitate to do so because I may just overwhelm myself. Every single parent's burdens are uniquely similar and also distinctly different. It's a strange and often confusing issue to ponder.

I am one who can go and go and do and do without skipping a beat 97% of the time. But, then, it will all catch up with me. There may be no catalyst; but all the doing and going comes to a standstill like rush-hour traffic in a big city. And those days when it catches up with me, I get agitated with seeds of impatience and irritability. I want change and I want change NOW.

(Don't worry, however, because I will share with you tomorrow just how God showed off amazingly in the middle of my off-focus day).

I am one who needs encouragement AND accountability. And I am blessed with a precious few who offer just that. They listen and lift me up but also hold my feet to the fire to keep focused on what is important - keep focused on the long term goal.

I share this because Transparency has really been on my mind lately. And I've learned now that when something is gnawing at me, I'd better listen to the Spirit and be ready to do or say what He is calling me to do. God called me in 2010 to live a more transparent life and He has not wavered a bit since. I think there is much to be learned from living a life without pretense and false images. I desire to be more real in my faith and my walk. More real in who I am.

So, I am beginning a week of Transparency next week. God is challenging me to think outside my box and be a bit more real with those around me. It's time to let the guards --and masks-- down.

There is a reason. There is a purpose.

It's time to Get Real.

I Am in Love

Butterflies.

The goofy grin that spreads across your face at the mention of their name.

The tingle in your heart at the thought of them.

Being in love is a wonderfully crazy sensation.

You all know what I'm talking about. Whether it's new love or a deeper, truer love, it produces sensations and thoughts and sighs from our souls. We love love. We look for it, long for it, work for it, pray for it.

Love is deep within us. And we long to share it with someone.

And when we find that special someone, it is simply burdensome to participate in any conversation without bringing them to the forefront. We want the world to know. We utter phrases such as, "I'll shout it from the rooftops!" We are enraptured and want the world around us to join in our joy.

I am in love.

And I find myself often unable to keep his name out of conversations. I can't hold back sharing what we've been through together. The way he pursued me. The way he stood beside me not pushing himself on me but waiting for me to realize he was there and lean on him. The way he went from best friend to passionate pursuer of my heart. The ways he has stood by me, encouraged me, strengthened me and believed in me.

Sometimes I allow that ounce of trepidation to speak louder than my adoration, and I concern myself that my friends are weary of hearing about him. They're going to roll their eyes and say, even if only in their heads, "Here she goes again."

But tonight, talking with a friend, as I began to go on (and on and on - again) about him, she said a remarkable thing to me. "I wish we lived closer. I need to hang out with you more."

She wants what I have.

She didn't hear the dronings on of a love-sick friend. She heard and saw in me that the love I spout about is the real deal. And something about that sparked her interest.

This past week, he opened my eyes to something that had not before occurred to me. It sent chills down my spine and, amazingly enough, made me fall even more deeply in love with him.

~

There is a night from April 2009 that I will never forget. I had many horrendous nights in the months and year to follow, but this was by far the worst. Sparing details, I will simply say that hearing the words "I don't know how I feel about you. I don't know if I am going to leave you. I can't go on like this," shook the foundation of everything I had come to know. It was the longest night of my life. Lying in bed, tear-soaked pillow, heart pounding so hard I thought it would literally burst within my chest during the night. No sleep to be had. Fear. Questions. Heartache.

I've known for a while now that God knew I was going to face this. There are no surprises to him and he had been preparing me for the journey of my life leading up to this night. He had granted me the grace I needed ahead of time. And he guided me through that valley of the shadow of death.

What I hadn't thought of until this week, was that he was right beside me that night. That very night. He caught every tear. He felt every pain. He cried with me. He held me. He didn't just catch me and pick me back up. He was right beside me. While I was shivering on the floor of the bedroom - right beside me. While I was sobbing into my pillow - right beside me. Every moment. Every second. Every emotion.

This may not sound profound to you. And as I try to write it, there are no words to convey the revelation this week that he was, indeed, not just helping me through it. But he experienced it right along with me. He knew where that night, the beginning of a life-changing journey, was going to lead. And he had already prepared the way. But he wasn't waiting for me on the other side. He walked alongside. Every step. Every stumble.

~

I know you know who I am talking about. And I pray your, and anyone else's, eyes do not glaze over as I continue to walk around with my goofy grin and inability to leave him out of conversations.

But, it is the real deal.

I am desperately, passionately, head over heels, sold out, in Love.

Because He loved me first.

Supergirl, Interrupted

Once upon a time...

In your story, are you the 'damsel in distress'? Or are you the Superhero?

When I spoke earlier of Victims, I mentioned how we tend to fall into a comfort zone where this is concerned. And sometimes, if we are not the victim, we tend to desire to be the Rescuer.

That, is me.

I am Supergirl.

I am the one people come to when they are in need. I am the one people need to talk to, share with, get advice from. And I hate for those I love to suffer. I hate for them to struggle and be in pain. I hate for them to feel alone or abandoned. I want to step in and rescue them. Save the day.

But - not my job.

In the spring of 2009, I so desperately desired to be rescued. My world was crumbling. My life was shattered. I thought I would die. Literally.

'Someone save me...' I would pray.

This past week, I've talked with several friends who are really struggling - some in ways that I completely understand. One friend needs physical provision. Been there. One friend is exactly where I was, emotionally and spiritually, three years ago. Been there. And all I could think was how much I wanted to intervene. To say the right thing. To make the right move. To swoop in and 'save the day.'

Flashback to 2009.

What would have happened to me had someone rushed in and 'fixed' my broken life; picked up pieces, glued them back together; Rescued me? I would NOT be where I am today.

That was my journey. That was my struggle. That was my path to follow.

For a reason.

And that flashback forcefully shook my thought process to realize this:

I would NEVER want to take away from someone an experience that just might change their life in a deeply profound way. I am so incredibly glad that no one swooped in and robbed me of the experience that turned out to be the greatest journey of love that I could ever have imagined.

I cannot step in and rescue anyone from their pain. Because their pain is their journey to the Great Love. And their pain will ultimately become their victory.

So, this Supergirl is transforming - right before your very eyes.

It takes a great amount of restraint for this reformed SuperHero to shut her mouth, wrap an arm around you, weep alongside you, pray with you, and allow you to suffer.

But, I dare not rob someone of an experience like mine.

My pain was my victory.

And, it was simply transcendent.

Mementos

You know, we all have those momentous events which shake our foundations and from which our lives change. But, sometimes, we get those tangible reminders of those moments.

I faced quite a challenge this past summer. Toward the end of a difficult week, I took my children to the Drive-In Theater. And as we were playing frisbee and snacking and waiting for the movie to begin, I looked up and saw this ahead of me:

God painted me an amazing picture. And it was just the reassurance of His presence that I needed.

In the days that followed, my faith was shaken and I was tested in a new and profound way. In the weeks that followed that, God began once again to change and mold me more closely into who He needs me to be. I can say with certainty that series of events changed my life for the better. Changed who I am for the better. Made me look at myself and my purpose and the world around me with a little more clarity and focus.

I was skimming through my Facebook pictures for a new one to post as my profile picture when this one struck me strongly.

This picture is that tangible reminder of one of those life-altering events for me.

How blessed am I to have this visible, tangible, memento of that difficult yet growth-inducing venture.

I'll forever look at this remembrance of that sunset and know God's ever-present, never-tiring fight for my heart.

Absurd Arachniphobia

Sometimes you have those moments as a parent when you come face to face with your shortcomings in a very real and humbling way. One of those moments, for me, was when my daughter shrieked in terror over a tiny spider, and I realized that I had passed that fear on to her. In her sweet little preschool years, she never exhibited a fear of critters. And now suddenly the eight legged variety are horrifying to her.

I knew I had a problem when one evening my little boy, around 8 years old at the time, ran down the upstairs hallway and mentioned to me as he passed, "It's ok, mom. I'll take care of it." Thinking that he had made a mess in the bathroom and didn't want to get in trouble, I proceeded that direction to see what mess he was indeed "taking care of". He runs past me towards the bathroom, tissue in hand and says, "It's a spider, mom. But, don't worry. I've got it."

He was 8.

And taking care to alleviate the fear of his grown mother.

Yes, I laughed. But I was also humbled at that image. No 8-year-old child should have to worry about the fears of their parent. And then, quite some time later, I see this fear emerge in my daughter. I KNOW that I have passed that on to her.

I have known my entire life it is a ridiculous fear. I am a billion times larger than these creatures. But, they are ugly. And creepy. And I struggle to accept their value on the planet. When I see a spider outside, I am respectful of it since I am in its habitat. When a spider enters my house, it has taken its life in its own hands and has declared suicide. And, quite honestly, when I stumble across one in my house, I get nearly vomitous in my fear of them. Ridiculous, I know. But still...

Fear: It's a strong emotion. Some fear is quite healthy. It keeps us on our toes and active. However, it is not of God.

Fear and dread originate from our enemy. They keep us rooted in the negative and paralyze us from action. They extinguish faith. The put our focus on ourselves - and in the now.

My job involves one of the most feared issues among people: public speaking. We all fear many things: from spiders - to heights - to being alone - to death. I have loved ones in my life who are presently facing some larger fears: losing loved ones, life-threatening illnesses, endangered marriages, traumatic injuries. And my heart aches for each one.

There are all sorts of theories out there regarding how to conquer fears.

But, at the end of the day, when facing those 'big ones', this gives me comfort:

"All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Ps. 139:16 (yes I've referenced this one before)

God knows it all. He knows our hearts. He knows our fears. He knows our futures. There are no unknowns to God. Including the days that lie ahead of me; what struggles I will face. And what struggles my children will face. That one challenges my faith to its core.

So, yes, appreciate each moment that you have and live to the fullest. But, also, trust your future and the future of your loved ones to the Creator of each one's days. He knows - and has prepared - each one. Each day. Each experience. Each challenge.

And has granted enough Grace to you to face them one by one.

Do you trust Him?

Do you trust your Creator?

Green is Not My Color

How often are you asked, "What's your favorite color?"

The truth is, I have never really had a favorite color. I'm odd that way. I've always said, "blue" because that's easy. But, honestly I like just about all colors. I like to wear all colors and I have a hard time seeing many colors as not beautiful in their own distinct way.

But lately, I've been annoyed by green.

I'm not really a 'grass is greener on the other side' kind of person. But the last several weeks, I've found myself overtaken by jealousy.

I can find all manner of things to get jealous over. It's not that I want your life necessarily. But I can easily find one particular thing in your life that I really do want. And I am angry that you have it and I do not. And it distracts me. And it steals my joy.

Earlier this week, as I refocused my brain and opened back up to hearing the Voice I have missed for a while, I began to let go of some of the earthly holds over me. I made a mental list of all of the things around me that I have wasted energy envying; some of these I can list, others I should not.

Sometimes I envy Materialistic items. Others have a nicer car, better items in their houses, spending money and cooler 'stuff.'

Sometimes I envy less Tangible things. Time. Energy. Compliant children.

**pause for laughter**

Sometimes I envy Relationships. Companionship. Lifestyles.

But envy is a poison. It roots itself in discontent. And in comparisons. And sometimes those comparisons are like apples to oranges. For me to envy a married friend who is a stay-at-home-mom who homeschools is a ridiculous comparison simply because our lifestyles are so very different. But, yet, I do. Her and so many others.

Wasn't it Paul who said, "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength." Phil. 4:11-13

I think if a man who was beaten and shipwrecked, stoned and imprisoned, can say these things, then I certainly can learn this idea of 'contentment' too.

The truth is that we all have a calling. And a purpose: a reason. And I am right where God has placed me. And to sit and lament over all that I do not have robs me of the joy found in what I do.

It is true that the 'lean times' make us appreciate more the times when we have plenty. But, I venture to say that we can go even a little deeper than that. The 'lean years' - whether we are talking of materialistic or less tangible issues - have the potential to draw us to a deeper relationship with the Great Love than we even knew was possible; than we even knew existed.

Had I never experienced the world crumbling beneath my feet, I would never have learned the dependence on Him that I have. And had I never learned that dependence, I would never have fallen so deeply in love. And that Love, dear ones, is what chases away the loneliness and sadness and pain that life has thrown my way.

So, the truth is, there is nothing on this earth that I could ever possibly long for, or envy in another, that could remotely pretend to approach what God's generous hand has showered upon me.

And has waiting for me on the other side...

"Earth has nothing I desire besides you." Ps. 73:25

Daydreams

Whether by nature or by nurture, I am quirky.

I am a daydreamer. While no believer in astrology, I have to admit the connection between my own personality and the typical Pisces. I regularly have one foot on the ground and the other somewhere in the nebula, as if all along my spirit has known that it is not of this world. My present place in life is not an easy one for a daydreamer such as myself. My desire is to be playing, acting, singing and dancing. Not being the one to pay the bills, teach responsibility, discipline and keep schedules. So, I am greatly challenged.

I find myself often, as I go about my day, gazing up at the clouds to see the sunlight peeking through and watch the slow movement across the sky. I am captivated at night by the moonlit sky as I walk the dog for her one last jaunt before bed. I stare out into the woods, completely in awe at the countless shades of green.

I daydream.

I long for something.

You know that feeling. Deeply longing for something you do not, or cannot, have.

It can be saddening. It can be depressing. It can even be crippling.

For me it has been, for several years, a yearning to be yearned for. Does that make sense? I want to be known. I want to be desired. I want to be pursued and loved - fully, completely, relentlessly. I want someone to be so captivated by me that they cannot stand another minute without me. Do not confuse this with a desire for codependency. Been there, done that. Bought and outgrew the t-shirt. I'm talking about the real thing. So real that there are no words to fully convey the connection I desire.

It's a connection I've never before known; to be so loved by another that my happiness is their highest priority. And I've spent years in that state of longing. That state of desire. That state of daydream.

Whatever your 'star sign' may be; whatever your quirks, whatever your daydreams contain - this desire to be known and pursued and loved is a desire held by all women. It is inherent to our very core, designed by God Himself.

Why?

Because He is the One truly longed for. And He is the One who has pursued me. And though I do not have Him face to face, with tangible hands to hold or eyes to gaze upon, my longing is now different. My daydreams are different. They now consist not of longing for the things which I have never known, but of gazing into the distance feeling that spiritual connection with the One who truly knows me. And has pursued me. And has made me fall in love with Him in a deeper way than I ever imagined. It is a daily adventure, as responsibilities and work and activities and expectations creep in to the forefront.

But, at the end of the day, as night has fallen and busy, loud activity is replaced by the sighs of slumber all around me, the longing to be held is found again in the arms that caught me as I fell some time ago.

Sure, it would be nice to feel them physically around me.

But...that time will come.